Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Discrete Gossip Queen Part 2

I'm going to skip the self-flagellation for being such a sporadic blogger (with a name like Sporadic Sporkitudes, you have to expect periods of radio silence in between frantic, Fun Dip fueled rants and lame but lengthy lists). Basically what I've been up to these past few weeks has been just collecting stories. Oh, such stories. Wonderful, weird, so unbelievable that they could only be true, stories. Unfortunately, I can't really share many of them. I don't want to get in trouble. But one of these days, your new favorite prime time 'soapedy' (a phrase I just coined) will be based on the wacky land that is Studio City.

Especially if you are off your nut, balls to the wall, k-k-krazy!

With a population of residents larger than my hometown, there is no end to the hijinks that occur on a daily, no hourly, basis. Especially when that population consists of porn stars, child actors, their stage moms, struggling actors both attractive and not, (also talented and not), wannabe musicians, fading flash in the pan reality sensations, participants in the Witness Protection Program, spoiled rich playboys/girls, and the straight up bat-shit crazy.

Yes, I'm writing it all down. Observing to report later on. If nothing else but for my own amusement. I already had the idea for a show that was based upon the first apartment complex I lived in in Irvine. But Studio City blows that sleepy little college town out of the water and into the stratosphere. I'm actually overwhelmed by what goes on here. It's too much to even fathom at times. Luckily the stress has gone down now that we're not as busy. But there is no shortage of insanity.

So I guess this blog is a bit of a tease, but I will tell you some of the elements you will see in my future, probably never to be written much less produced soapedy:

1. Mistresses featured in major celebrity sex scandals. Yes, that was plural. (and finding out the preferences certain insane celebrities request when choosing their prostitutes).
2. Crazy ladies screaming in gibberish whilst running topless from one of the three gyms on the property.
3. Former one-hit-wonder rap/rock celebrity rehab junkies (the one that climbed the building a few months ago) trashing an apartment and then hearing on the radio the next morning about this person's arrest.
4. Rumors of a meth lab that could explode any moment and discussing whether or not this was a legitimate excuse to evict someone.
5. Residents using the move-in inspection as an excuse to attempt to seduce certain employees (which certain employees claim to have refused, but you never know ; ) )
6. A Russian mob shooting in the parking garage
7. Couple who may or may not be in the Witness Protection Program. (They're not very pleasant. But I guess you wouldn't be either)
8. A big time hip hop artist and producer's daughter's Crip boyfriend dragging her out in the hall by her hair wearing only a bra at the time.
9. A Saudi princess with her own security detail who did nothing but shop for Gucci bags all day.
10. I assisted an 18 year old male model with his very first taxes.

Even the dogs are actors. I met one who had been in multiple episodes of CSI New York among other things.

I'm sure there's more, but I'm just slowly taking it all in. There's years of crazy to sift through and find the juiciest bits.

On an unrelated note, I just found out that Kenneth from 30 Rock frequents the pub down the street where my friends and I went to trivia night the other night! And to think we were stoked to see the kid who played Elliot in E.T.!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Riding on the Metro-o-o!

I don't have a lot of time, since I only have access to the internet on my lunch at work. It's still not set up at my new place, which has really grown on me since I first moved in. Now that most of my stuff is set up, I'm super stoked. My only concern is that I don't have any sort of blinds or curtains so if one of my neighbors looks up at the wrong moment, they could get an eyeful...

I would like to chronicle two of my achievements in the past few days:

1. I drove a U-Haul all by myself. Having driven nothing bigger than a mid-sized SUV a few times in my life, this was a big deal. And driving in LA is a beeyotch no matter what you drive, so in a ramshackle behemouth like a U-Haul, 15 miles deserves an internet high five. This was also the first time I moved without the help of my parents so it was very much a milestone in adulthood.

2. I rode the Los Angeles Metro for the first time last night. Also by myself. I've ridden subways, metros, and trams all over Europe, Australia, New York, and San Francisco. But the idea of an underground railroad in LA just seems preposterous. But I got complimentary tickets to go see Beauty and the Beast at the Pantages Theater last night, thanks to the Bean, and parking in Hollywood is a very expensive, time-constricting near impossibility. Even though the train was late and I just barely made the 7:30pm curtain, it was awesome that I spent 3 bucks as opposed to 15-20 for 3 hours of valet only parking you have to wait in line for in and out. This is the secret to avoiding those bad parking situations I loathe so much. SCORE.

Beauty and the Beast was pretty sweet. A little over the top cartoonish, but that's kind of the point I guess. Great for kids. When Belle came out in the giant gold dress that is every little girl's fantasy (minus the hairy hunchback dude with the tail), my inner child started jumping up and down in the seat. And I won't lie, a little tear rolled down my cheek at the very end when I heard that music that was so influential in my formative years. The theater geek in me noted that Belle's voice was all over the place pitch-wise, and Lumiere sounded more like Borat than a Frenchman. But Gaston and Lefou were a treat. A very violent, heavily slapstick-laden treat.

Ok, gotta go...So many people yelling at me, so little time.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Movin' On Up To the Northside

Well, technically I am moving up in the world. From ghetto South Central to glamorous North Hollywood. Though despite my change in latitude, I really see this as a lateral move rather than an upgrade. I was super excited to find a one bedroom for not much more than my studio, plus when you subtract the cost of the ever-rising gas prices, it's a great deal. And it's a great apartment, in theory. But when I saw it this morning in the harsh light of day, I realized several things:

1. It wasn't painted. Which I wouldn't care, but it really looks bad. All sorts of scuffs and marks and dirt.
2. The sinks and counters are dirty, like they were never cleaned.
3. There are holes in the walls that they didn't even bother to spackle.
4. The cupboards are in terrible shape. They are grimy and stained. They also need contact paper.
5. There is a hole in the bedroom where a outlet plate used to be.
6. The light in the bedroom is basically a bare bulb.
7. There's a random CHP bumper sticker on the front door (which is filthy).
8. The overhead light in the kitchen is broken and dirty.
9. There's probably more that I'm forgetting, but you get my point.

I hate to rant about stuff like this. I have super-low standards (I live in South Central, exhibit A), and I am not the kind of person who files formal complaints or asserts her rights as a tenant. Which is why my heater and a/c have been broken for a year and a half. And then I get all passive aggressive and whine about it online or to my mom without actually getting the problem fixed or fixing it myself. And that's on me.

But still, when you rent an apartment, even a cheaper one in a quasi-ghetto, you expect certain things. Especially if the previous tenant lived there for over 5 years. Fresh paint is not too much to ask for. No gaping holes in the wall isn't either. It's mostly the kind of stuff that on its own isn't a big deal. But when you realize that there's a flaw in every room, that's all you can see. And I don't have a lot of time, energy, money, skill or patience to fix this stuff myself.

Maybe it's the beer I had at lunch (yes I actually went out and bought beer on my own accord for the first time ever), but I just feel super down about this now. It's taken all the fun out of setting up a new place and all the possibilities that come with it. I know you get what you pay for, but seriously? I'm just wondering if this is going to be worth the pain in the ass it's been so far to move. Because right now I'm having major renter's remorse.

I remember the first day I moved into my current apartment and just looking around, completely stoked that I had my own place. It was fresh and clean and cute, even if it was in a bad part of town. But moving into the new place just feels like putting on someone else's dirty laundry. That's the best way I can think of to describe it.

The worst part is, I am just not comfortable asking for things. I hate to inconvenience people, even if I'm the one being inconvenienced. I know it's important to be assertive, but on the other hand, it's almost more important to me to have a good relationship with people I have to be in contact with frequently. I hate and avoid awkward situations at all costs. But what do you say? Um... I'm sorry, I think you missed a spot during the week plus that you had to get this apartment ready for a new tenant who is paying a significant portion (even if it is cheap for LA).

I guess I'm going to go back there later this afternoon to take some before pictures and maybe do some cleaning. It just sucks because I shouldn't have to. I'm already going to bust my ass cleaning this apartment because that's what a decent person does when you move out. Or a decent landlord who understands that apartments need to be clean and ready for the new tenant. That's why there's a freaking security deposit, folks. Maybe it's because I now work in the industry, at a place where the standard is impeccable. All the people who call me to bitch about the tiniest thing have now been wearing off on me and I've become the kind of person I hate.

I apologize that my first blog in weeks is such a boring downer. But I really needed to get this off my chest before I resume dragging my stuff up to the Valley. Sigh.