Nude Nuns with Big Guns!

"This sister is one bad mother." I swear to god, Nude Nuns with Big Guns is a real movie, and no it's not a porno. The rights to distribute it worldwide are on sale at the American Film Market in Santa Monica, so come on down! I saw the ad for it while running an errand and just about flipped out in front of all the international film executives. I NEED to see this movie because:

This could be the new greatest story ever told.

1. I freaking LOVE nuns!!! As evidenced by those joyful, leaping ladies in black to your right. Why do I love nuns? I'm not really sure. It's probably because I'm not Catholic and am therefore not frightened of them. Though I was a bit unnerved by the films "Sex in a Cold Climate" and "The Magdalene Sisters." (Which I highly recommend despite such painful thematic content). Maybe I identify with nuns on some level. I'm not sure how, since I revile all religion and any philosophy that practices extreme self-discipline and denial. But nuns make me happy. In fact, whenever I see them in real life I try to sneakily take a picture. It would take years of psychoanalysis to explain it, which I can't afford. So just accept that Hutch loves nuns.

2. Nude nuns? This intrigued me. How can a nun be a nun if she's nude? How do you know she's a nun if she's naked? Does she wear a habit? A cross? How do they solve this dilemma? My curiosity has been piqued. It's just such a contradiction.

3. I am sick and love violence for some reason. Especially when it's women kicking ass in any capacity. So nuns kicking ass, HELL YEAH!!

4. That tagline is priceless. So many taglines are just plain awful. So you have to reward their stellar marketing department's efforts.

5. I swear to god I heard this project being pitched when I was an intern at a small production company in college. I was sitting outside the producer's office listening to some overly-enthusiastic guy shout about "Nuns coming in with tits and guns a-blazin'." I don't know if it's the same exact movie, but I knew then and there that I had to check that out.

To make a long and complicated list short (too late), this is the movie of my dreams. Sadly, it will probably turn out to be awful. Especially now that I've put all my hopes and dreams into it. Just like what happened with "The Nun," a horror movie about a Satanic woman of the cloth. Not good. Wasted potential. You hate to see that happen. So maybe I should never actually see "Nude Nuns with Big Guns." Because it will never be as good as the movie in my head.

And in other AFM news, I could have sworn I spotted Dustin Hoffman walking on the fifth floor of the Loews, but upon closer observation of his badge...it wasn't. Oh well. Perhaps I'll never get to confront him about not hiring me to work at his production company (though I doubt he was involved personally in that decision). So no brilliant Oscar-Winning actors today, or even underrated sitcom dads. But there is rumored to be a Thai princess arriving later this evening. I guess she's in one of the movies being sold. There's even a red carpet for her arrival. Super keen.

I'd like to take this moment to say that if you are a potential employer considering hiring me for your high-profile production company that handles A-list clients like Dustin Hoffman and John Marshall Jones, please note that I swear I will be much more discreet about those persons of interest that I encounter.