Monday, December 6, 2010

Fictional Men who have Ruined Real Men for Life

I was attempting to distract myself from the tortuous waiting of a very important phone call, so I decided to make a list. Upon revisiting The Office after watching Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, I have determined that no man will ever live up to the glory that is Jim Halpert. Sorry heterosexual menfolk, you just can't catch a break. He's pretty much perfect. Tall, sweet, adorable in a non-Ken doll way, smart, funny, hopelessly romantic but in a subtle, not-cheesy way. Jim got me thinking about all the other fictional men who collectively set the absurdly high standard their gender.

Yes, we realize that these are not real people. Mr. Darcy isn't really going to sweep us off our feet one day. And in reality, my personal standards aren't terribly high. But we've devoted countless hours to drooling over perfect (or perfectly flawed) man candies we can't have. And so here is a tribute to them and how they make every man we will ever meet seem short, awkward (in a not cute way), and generally off-putting. And I put a picture for every man because I was that bored today.

1. Jim Halpert - The Office
The perfect man. Period.

2. Jake Ryan - Sixteen Candles
The last real dreamboat and every teenage girl's fantasy.

3. Angel - Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel
Hulking brooding savior complex type with an unexpected self-deprecating sense of humor.

4. Mr. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice
Every woman's fantasy. I had a Mr. Darcy myself until I realized he really was just an asshole and not secretly awesome in addition to being sexy.

5. Seth Cohen - The O.C.
Snarky, adorable, with pop culture references to spare and the world's greatest jew fro (one of my particular weaknesses).

6. Prince Eric - The Little Mermaid
I'm not taking it back because he happens to be animated.

7. Captain Malcolm Reynolds - Firefly/Serenity
Badass space cowboy pirate, aptly nicknamed Captain Tightpants.

8. Indiana Jones - Duh
Fedora + whip + stubble = hawt.

9. Tom Lefroy - Becoming Jane
I heart James McAvoy with all my soul, and if Jane Austen is going to give up on him to be noble, I will gladly be there to pick up the pieces. I'm no saint.

10. Christian - Moulin Rouge
He's got a huge talent.

11. Lloyd Dobbler - Say Anything
Quite possibly the greatest grand gesture of all time.

12. Ned - Pushing Daisies
Hopefully I don't die before we get together and therefore can never actually touch him.

13. Theodore "Teddy/Laurie" Lawrence - Little Women
As with Jane Austen, if Jo is a moron and doesn't realize what she has, I'll tap that.

14. Wesley - The Princess Bride
I dig the mask. As you wish indeed.

15. Ferris Bueller - Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Can you imagine how perfect life would be? Everything would just fall into place.

16. Connor McManus - The Boondock Saints
Irish vigilante in a pea coat, what's not to love?

17. Crybaby Walker - Crybaby
The only role I truly dig Johnny Depp in as a sexual object. Swoon.

18. Chuck Bartowski - Chuck
He's just so darn cute. And he has skills.

19. Ted Mosby - How I Met Your Mother
Mostly the first season before he gets all Barnified. Hopeless romantic who performs a rain dance for the woman he loves.

20. Dr. Jack Shepherd - Lost
Maybe I just like guys with God complexes. Plus the manliest stubble ever depicted on celluloid.

21. Ben Stone - Knocked Up (This may be just for me)
I definitely have a thing for delightful Jew-fro'd shlubby guys with hidden sweet sides.

22. Bill/Eric/Alcide/Eggs/Jason/Sam, pretty much most male cast members of True Blood Who is their casting director? Because they have mad skills.

So that's my list. Feel free to contribute, but they must meet the criteria of: fictional (not actors, though it could be argued that their public persona is in fact a character and not actually representative of them in real life), and they have to be the kind of guy you want to run away with. Not just to take advantage of him and then never call again. If you mention Edward Cullen, I may have to slap you. Unless I'm kind of tipsy and admit that I secretly love him even though he is everything that is wrong with males (possessive, sexist, poncey, with too much hair product. But goddamn, can he wear a pea coat. Which everyone knows is my weakness). Also if you're a heterosexual man reading this, you are fully entitled to create a corresponding female list. No double standards at Sporadic Sporkitudes.

UPDATE: That phone call never came, so now I'm drinking a delicious glass of Two Buck Chuck Cabernet and feeling just fine. Though still tortured that Jim doesn't exist. And that Jim also happens to be my dad's name. So that would be a problem if Jim Halpert did exist. But I like to think we could overcome that. I could always give him a nickname. Big Tuna?


  1. "short, awkward (in a not cute way), and generally off-putting"

    The story of my existence.

  2. Well now I just feel bad, even though I'm sure it's not true! Never underestimate the power of adorable awkwardness. (See Seth Cohen, Chuck Bartowski, and Ben Stone).

  3. My sister was just telling me that she got a Wesley action figure.