Monday, December 27, 2010

Penguins, Nuns, and The Nintendo Workout

I got a Wii Fit for Christmas, which is basically my mom's way of saying Merry Christmas, now get off yo' ass! (Just kidding, she would never talk like that in a million years). But who am I to turn down free exercise/gaming equipment? So here is how I started my new Nintendo-inspired workout:

This dude is just begging for a swift kick in the ass
with a frozen boot.

1. Turn on Wii.
2. Sit and wait for it to warm up.
3. Wince as the Wii Fit balance board goes "oooooh" at my heft.
4. Walk away as the annoying little cartoon guy blabs about posture and eat some See's candy.
5. Come back and hula hoop until I just can't hula hoop no mo'.
6. Run in place (Then reward myself with more See's candy)
7. Attempt to do yoga, but just get pissed off at the douchey male trainer and the bitchy female trainer. (In the argument over which is worse, douche vs. bitch, the jury is still out).
8. Eat some more See's candy.
9. Put in Just Dance 2.
10. Shake my blues away for an intense 35 minutes, whilst working up a surprisingly good sweat.
11. Congratulate myself with some more See's candy. Boo, all gone!

I don't know if I can keep up this rigorous schedule, but I do know that it's awesome! Gyms should start offering the See's Candy/Wii Fit/Just Dance diet and exercise plan. It will overtake Curves in popularity, if not effectiveness.

Other notable mentions in the Christmas gift category:

Well, they're not Nude, but they do have big guns.

1. Nun Shrinky Dink earrings and a Nuns with Guns cigarette case (which I will use as a wallet), thanks to my big brother who knows me better than I thought he did.
2. A homemade penguin apron courtesy of Mama Hutch (righteous.)
3. A penguin stuffed animal from Aunt Bonnie
4. A penguin mug (from cousin Brittaney via Yankee Trade)
5. A penguin spatula (also from Mama Hutch, I have a thing for spatulas. It's a long and amusing story which I might tell some other day. But it involves the day my first niece was born, a build-a-bear stuffed duck, and a purely ironic expedition to find porn in Ashland, Oregon.)

Pretty spiffy, eh? Check out the fine, hand-crafted Mormon stitching!

When did I become the penguin queen? Sure I like penguins. I have penguin speakers in fact. But I wouldn't say they're my favorite animal. I don't have a favorite animal. I'm not a big animal person at all actually. But I guess if I'd have to pick one, it would be penguins. I can hardly escape them now. Their beady little eyes follow me wherever I go, judging me for eating See's when I should be Wii Fitting. I wonder if it's because I like nuns that everyone assumes I like penguins. They bear some similar characteristics. Black, white and judgmental. Anyway, I'm completely satisfied with this year's haul. And if nothing else, seeing my brothers, mom, and sisters-in-law busting a move on Just Dance for the Wii, was enough to fuel ten Christmases. If we gave my dad enough boxed White Zin, he'd get his groove on too, and then I'd never need another present ever again.


  1. Lol I'm still waiting for Nude Nuns with Big Guns to become available on Netflicks! So much so that I added it to my Google Calendar for January to remind myself to check on it again. My boyfriend burst out laughing a few days ago because he was checking the calendar for January and saw that I had written, "Look for Nude Nuns with Big Guns". Lol.
    And penguins are unbearably cute, that's why everyone loves penguins.

  2. Hahaha! I love that you became the penguin lady, when all you really wanted was to become the nun lady. Keep up the Wii workouts! If nothing else, at least you'll get to eat more chocolate than you would have. :)

  3. Your penguin presies make me want to watch Happy Feet.

  4. BOO HAPPY FEET!!! I was so stoked about that movie and it turned out to be stupid and preachy just like every other soulless computer animated movie product. What a waste of penguins.