Maiden Bikini Voyage

I have not bought a new swimsuit in about four years. Since I really only wear one a few times a year, (both because of lack of opportunity to swim and because I never really fancied prancing about half-naked in front of strangers) it didn't really seem necessary to upgrade. But I'm going home next week (yay!) and I fully intend on making use of my parents' current pool. Out of curiosity, I tried on my old suit last night. I was both overjoyed and dismayed that it hung limply on my new body like a tropical-print muumuu. So huzzah for me for losing weight, but boo for having to pay for a new suit when I'm super broke and probably won't use it very often. So this afternoon, I was off to Target, armed with my ill-advised credit card that still carries the balance from my last yoga-inspired shopping spree.

I wish Target carried this suit!

Clothes shopping has become pretty fun since I've lost weight. It's exciting to see the numbers go down and actually have to ask for a smaller size instead of the humiliation of a zipper not going up on a pair of jeans you thought were your size. But even 81 pounds later, bathing suit shopping still sucks ass. For one thing, I'm still sort of between regular and plus sizes when it comes to swimwear. Meaning I'm either drowning in frilly mini-skirt bottoms designed to cover middle-aged, cellulite-ridden thighs, or my muffin top is spilling out of a tankini meant for a sixteen year old girl who has never known the taste of Splenda. (Hope you enjoy that visual, that's my gift to you!) There are very few options for someone who doesn't have children in college and isn't about to send in their college applications.

What most plus-sized bathing suits look like.  Yeah. Not cute.
I feel bad for this model who had to pretend like she likes it.

I decided to go for basic black, simple and chic. The big, bold prints that the plus sized "fashion" industry seems to fixate on, are no one's friend. You'd think it would be an easy process to pick out a black swimsuit, but it literally took me an hour and a half just to decide on the very first one I tried on. I'm such a girl sometimes... I stuck with the old reliable tankini and regular bottoms, since one-pieces bum me out. They're also impractical when you have to pee. But in a moment of boldness (and by moment I mean 45 minutes of painful deliberating), I also bought a matching bikini top. This may not seem like a big deal to you, but you should know that I have never worn a bikini in my life. Even when I still could probably pull one off, my religion prevented me from baring my stomach. When I was finally free of those restrictions, my weight had already skyrocketed. As a favor to society, I abstained from that particular look.

What I wish I looked like in my new suit...

But now that I'm working out like a maniac (doing the Flashdance routine as I type), I actually don't look too shabby. While I still have a looooong way to go, I can almost pull this off. I seriously doubt that I'll ever have the guts to actually wear the bikini out in public (there's a major fading stretch mark issue to deal with still). But it was a huge step to even purchase it and believe that someday I actually might go out in a bikini and not become Captain Ahab's new object of obsession.

Fat Pants and Ninja Turtles

There are few things as depressing as going to Wal-Mart for new fat pants because your former fat pants fit just a little too snugly for comfort. My new fat pants aren't going to win me any Miss Thang Awards, but at least they won't cut off circulation below my belly button. The only positive element of this experience was that it was the first time I could actually afford new jeans, even if they only cost $18. To console myself about having failed for the umpteenth time (I hate the word 'umpteenth' but it's the perfect description), to lose weight, I decided to buy myself some new DVDs. I definitely couldn't afford DVDs before, so I hit up the $5 bin to see what was what.

Here is what I bought to assuage my fat pants blues:

1. Billy Madison (I've always been a big old school Adam Sandler fan. That penguin kills me every time.)

2. The original live action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Fuck. Yes.)

3. BONUS! A combo pack of Teen Witch and The Heavenly Kid! I've never seen the Heavenly Kid and since they had to pair it up with the 80s camp classic, Teen Witch, just to sell, it probably is not great. But then again, judging by the other movies in my basket, I have a very alternative notion of good taste. It could be my new favorite movie, who knows? Besides, two movies for five bucks? Uber-score.

Hopefully I'll end up not needing my new fat pants for very much longer (haha.), which is why I only spent $18. But in the meantime, I'll be super-comfy watching some of my childhood favorites!

By the way, if you have never seen Teen Witch, this video sums it up in one gloriously inappropriate rap battle. "Look how funky he is! I'll never be hip." (You can skip the first 35 seconds or so).