Selective Eating Disorder

My brother just posted a link to an article about adults who are abnormally picky eaters, like most children. He basically refused to eat anything as a child, and as a result was freakishly skinny. We used to joke that we could basically see right through his rib cage to the other side. Something I have never and will never be teased for. Now he's discovered there's a name for his condition, Selective Eating Disorder (dun dun dun!). It sounds scary, but also made up. But as long as there's a term for something, it becomes legitimate.

Whilst reading the article, I discovered that I too have Selective Eating Disorder (in addition to Compulsive Overeating Disorder. In this case, God really did give with two hands. Bastard.) Only instead of avoiding spaghetti because it looks like brains, I eliminate whole food groups based on origin, seasonings/flavor, and basic principle. For someone who is obsessed with food as I am, I sure hate a lot of it.

1. 3 Billion Chinese people CAN be wrong.

And definitely are when it comes to their food. Yuck.

Here are the foods I refuse to eat:

1. Anything Asian (except dumplings and fortune cookies) Yes, this includes sushi. Disgusting in all categories of taste, texture, and principle.

2. Savory dishes with fruit in them (which is why the idea of orange chicken is appalling to me, and who puts raspberries in a non-fruit salad? Nutcases, that's who. And if you mention tomatoes, I may slap you.)

3. Foods with nuts in them (go ahead and giggle. I like nuts on their own, tee hee, but put them in ice cream, sweet potatoes, or anywhere else they don't belong and I get hulk-angry. They ruin the texture without adding any additional flavor and get stuck in your teeth.)

4. Soy sauce, teriyaki, wasabi, etc. (see #1. Please don't think I'm a food racist. I don't hate them because they're traditionally Asian. I hate them because they taste gross.)

5. Fried chicken, specifically KFC, makes me think of vomit. Because I vomited it up one time and it was not pretty. Same thing goes for Raisinettes. I'll never eat those again.

6. Indian food (counts as Asian technically, but all I think of is diarrhea. Sorry to stereotype, but once you put that image in my head, it's stuck like the opposite of diarrhea. Ew. Sorry for that image as well.)

7. Anything spicy, like authentic Mexican food. I have a hard time with even the mildest of salsas. I like bastardized Mexican, like Taco Bell, and Chevy's (if you've ever been to Northern California, Chevy's kicks ass). But real Mexican tends to be far too liberal with the peppers. I don't even dig bell peppers, man. So lay off the Tobasco and jalapeno.

8. Most seafood, especially crustaceans. Yick. I make exceptions for clam chowder (when placed in a bread bowl, this is ironically my favorite food, salmon, and tuna salad as long as there is no fruit in it)

9. Squash. Can't handle it. Not the texture, not the taste. And believe me, my mom has tried.

10. Butter and mayonnaise. I mentioned this before, but being able to visualize the amount of fat in something grosses me out. Doesn't stop me from eating high fat foods, but seeing globs of mayo on a sandwich, or the non-melted butter on toast makes me want to heave.

11. Sauerkraut, coleslaw, corned beef cabbage. Cabbage grosses me out. It reminds me of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the good one), when all Charlie and his family have to eat is cabbage water. Sad. So I avoid cabbage for Charlie Bucket (another bumper sticker perhaps?)! Also, it's nasty and I think I may be allergic.

12. Non-chocolate candy. I still eat it sometimes, but if you're going to eat candy, why not eat the best? Plus high quantity doses of corn syrup give me hives. Not sexy.

Droooool! Now if only they would leave out the clams,

this would be the perfect food.

I'm sure there are more specific, random, and nonsensical foods I avoid. But I'll spare you for now. I am often asked, "So Hutch, what DO you eat?" And the answer is mainly bland noodles, breads, dairy, fruit. Cereal, bananas, bagels, and ice cream are a big part of my non-dieting diet (I love carbs more than life itself). Mostly because I'm lazy, but also because I've eliminated the aforementioned food groups. As the man in the article said, I wish I was a more adventurous eater. I've traveled to many different countries and basically lived off of salami sandwiches I made myself from the grocery store (this was primarily for financial reasons, but also because I'm so picky). If I'm in a group and they all want to go to a chinese restaurant, I may protest, but I'll go. I'll drink water and steal fortune cookies, or make due with dumplings (telling myself they're just like sauceless ravioli, because I LOVE Italian food).

Maybe someday I'll overcome this dreadful, life-altering disorder. But in the meantime, I'll happily gorge on cheez-its, hot pockets, and raumen (again for financial reasons, but I also kind of like it. And it's not really Asian), and scorn all of you for your varied and sophisticated palates.

UPDATE: Said brother (for I have many) just reminded me that I also hate beer. I tried so hard, sampling beers from every country in Europe, and I still can't stand it.