Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Plentyoffish Revisited

The other night whilst imbibing a White Diamonds cocktail (patent pending), I was indulging in far too much Grey's Anatomy and cursing the world that Dr. Owen Hunt doesn't actually exist. Screw McDreamy or McSteamy. Give me Dr. Hunt anyday. He's all manly and interesting-looking with a deep voice and a vulnerable badass quality that just makes my eyes lose focus and forget what I was talking about....what? Oh yes. Anyway, add him to my list of Fictional Men who have Ruined Real Men for Life. The point was that I got super-bummed all of a sudden that he's not real.
That's right Patrick Dempsey.
Take a backseat to the much manlier Kevin McKidd.
The only ginger who deserves the title of World's Sexiest Fake Doctor.

As I mentioned in a previous blog about my troubles with menfolk, my standards for real men are actually not that high. It boils down to being taller than me, a non-smoker, aaaand that's about it. Preferably not younger too, but I'm flexible if he is (hey-oh!). Hell, I'd settle for any guy who shows the slightest bit of interest (who isn't some crazy one-legged ghetto guy at a gas station expecting me to drop trou right by pump #4 forcing me to invent a fake boyfriend to make him skedaddle. Or a homeless downtown jazz trumpeter named Tiny with similar assumptions and consequences.True stories both).

I was slightly tipsy from my cocktail and feeling melodramatic that I was never going to find a decent man candy in LA (blame the Grey's). So I decided to give online dating another try. Once again I went to simply because it's free. Absolutely miserable once more. I looked at a few guys' profiles to see if it was even worth it. So pathetic. I couldn't take any of them seriously. I wanted to either slap them for their douchery or laugh in their internet-profile faces for their stupidity. Is this what we've been reduced to? After a while, it wouldn't even let me look without signing up. So I started my profile. But with every field on the questionairre, I wanted to slap myself. There is no way to write those things and not sound completely ridiculous.

Searching for my mythical rainbow fish.

Is it possible to construct a profile for one of these sites without sounding a) pathetic, b) mentally handicapped, c) like a total tool? And how is it possible to consolidate everything about you into a few short text boxes and represent yourself at your best while being honest so if you do ever meet you don't disappoint them?

One final bone to pick with dating sites: Body type. I agree that it's important to know what you're looking for and not to lie about yourself. But when your choices are "a few extra pounds," or "big and tall/BBW," how does that not just kill your soul? I actually had to google BBW. If you look it up on Urban Dictionary, it means 'big, beautiful women.' First of all, egads. Second of all, those definitions are so cruel and ridiculous. There's no way I would want to associate myself with either of those connotations.

Anyway, the whole experience just pissed me off. So halfway through I gave up. I finished my drink and a few more episodes of Grey's and went to bed.


  1. Dear Hutch,

    I once knew a guy who looked EXACTLY like Kevin McKidd. Only his penis was on backwards.

    No joke.

    Love Rom.

  2. That's disappointing! I was always kind of sad that I got married so early and missed out on online dating...I always thought it would be fun. Not so much, I guess!

    You'll meet someone when you least expect it--and I'll bet you dollars to donuts (what does that mean??) he'll have a Jew fro. :)

  3. Romany-How on earth was his penis on backwards? I'm intrigued...Can you send him to LA via the postal service?

    And thanks TB! I certainly hope so. And I don't know what that saying means, but I like dollars and I like donuts, so it must be a good thing.

  4. Yeah, Dr. Hunt is so clearly the hottest one on the show. Nom.
    While I'm married now, I was heavy into online dating a few years ago and may I just say: Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh. First, why do guys think that a picture of themselves looking like a chode is the way to reel in a fair lass? Why would I want to see your car/fish/gun? And second, how I am supposed to sell myself with the 'few extra pounds' title? I'm not a piece of steak - 'a few extra pounds' isn't gong to be a selling feature.


    But the good news is, I did find someone. On a blind date, no less. So he's out there somewhere. Swimming amongst the douchebag fish, poor sod.

  5. Kudos for the use of the word 'sod' ezmy. Well done! And I completely agree about the chode factor. It sends me running for the hills.

  6. Hutch! Well obviously it wasn't actually on backwards... he had some kind of birth defect that made it look as though it was on backwards. Oh, I shouldn't laugh, it was painful for him. But he was also kind of a jerk.

  7. Then it's a fitting punishment for an asshat. Good work, divine being.