Friday, April 13, 2012


I have discovered in the last few years that the entire right side of my body is smaller than my left. Seriously, my feet, my breasts, even my knees are lopsided. I always thought this was unfortunate but amusing. I'm a quirky soul, so naturally my outward appearance is just as twisted as I am. Ok, so it's not really noticeable to anyone but myself. Unless you spend an inordinate amount of time looking at my chest and/or feet, in which case, ew stop now.

Not really relevant, but TEE HEE HEE!

This slight deformity, perhaps caused by birth, or sleeping too much on one side, has never been an issue before. The only real side effect seemed to be that I can't walk in a straight line to save my life. Anyone who has ever walked next to me has to push me to the side so I don't run them over on accident. I used to joke that if I was ever pulled over for a DUI, I would probably fail just because I naturally veer to the right like a car out of alignment. "I swear, Officer, I'm not drunk! I'm just crooked!" Luckily, this theory has never been proven.

Hypothetical me, failing miserably.

But now that I'm finally getting healthy and working out on a regular basis, I'm discovering that my minor bodily quirk has a major consequence. I have been having random hip pain for the last few weeks, like I'm an eighty-four year old arthritic woman named Doris and not a twenty-four year old active fox named Hutch. I keep imagining myself in those commercials, limp on the floor at the foot of the stairs pleading pathetically, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Also me.

After spending some time with Dr. Google, I have determined that this pain is caused by LLD, Leg Length Discrepancy (you all know my pet peeve of making acronyms and then saying what they are right afterwards, but 'LLD' sounds a lot more serious and dramatic than 'Leg Length Discrepency'). Because my legs are different sizes, this means that my longer left leg has to compensate for my lame shorter right leg. Basically, I've been running like a pirate on a peg leg this whole time, causing stress on my left hip.

I can't believe I actually found a picture of a running peg-legged pirate.
Score one for Google!

The ironic thing is that this pain only started surfacing after I bought good running shoes. Everyone (and by everyone I mean my friend, my mom, my Gentleman Caller, and my Gentleman Caller's Mom) kept scolding me for wearing my crappy Target-brand cross-trainers, saying that I was going to screw up my feet. I bit the bullet and forked over more money than I had to spend on some gel-filled Asics. And now I have a broken hip. Stupid Asics. I've been running since about September and never had any problems other than frequent, recurring blisters and the odd ankle spasm. That just goes to show you what a conspiracy good marketing can be.

Coincidence? I think not.

It sucks even more because I'm finally in a good rhythm with my exercise. I love that I can just throw on my over-priced shoes and walk out the door to my favorite paved pedestrian path through a charming Burbank residential area. No gym fees, no attractive but angry/disappointed personal trainer, no snotty girls who are in much better shape than me in scheduled classes that I have to plan my life around. I can go at my own pace and listen to my own music and it doesn't require hand/eye coordination. Running is great. Well, it actually still sucks, but it's a lot better than most other forms of exercise. My body just wasn't designed for running. It was meant for sturdily traversing the country all Manifest Destiny-like and popping out Mormon baby after Mormon baby.

Hopefully you all have seen this commercial. Because this woman is my soulmate.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about this dreaded LLD. I took almost a week off from running (more out of laziness than purposefully resting my hip), but I ran again yesterday an I'm still in pain. I really don't want to go to the doctor, even though I finally have health insurance. That's a bigger pain than the one in my hip.

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