This is not OK.
I need this shirt.
Country music is the scourge of the earth. I have very eclectic taste in music (other than hard core gangsta rap that doesn't even have a catchy hook you can sing along to and just kind of mumble and make up the words in between). But I cannot abide country music. Here are the reasons why:
1. I'm dead sick of it. When I worked at the grocery store in my sort-of hometown of Foresthill, CA (which is just about as hillbilly as you can get without the accent), I had to listen to nothing but contemporary country music over and over and over and over again. Seriously, my ears were bleeding after only a few months. The job itself wasn't terrible. But the music made it unbearable. To this day, I can't hear it without cringing.
Oh Wortons. Not-so-good times. And even worse music.
2. It's pandering to the sap in all of us. If I had a nickel for every time I started accidentally tearing up at some sickly sweet country song about some kid with a sick mother, or cheaply invoking 9-11, or a daddy singing lullabies to his daughter, or an couple growing old together and reminiscing about the good old days, I'd have MANY NICKELS! What's worse is that I know exactly how they're manipulating my emotions and yet it's working anyway. Damn them! The worst offenders: "Christmas Shoes," "Butterfly Kisses," "Oklahoma," and "Remember When." The only pandering song I secretly like, "Don't Take the Girl." But only because it reminds me of roller skating when I was eight years old. Not sure why.
Damn you Alan Jackson, making my parents tear up whenever they hear your song.
3. Steel guitars. There's something about the twang of a steel guitar that just drives me absolutely batty. I realized that it's racist against a guitar that can't help the way it sounds. But it just has a connotation of everything I loathe about country music that I throw up a little in my mouth whenever I hear one.
Poor, misunderstood instrument.
4. Redneck pride. There is nothing cool about being a redneck. Having gone to school grades 5th through 12th and being surrounded by a large population of them, I can say this from experience. Uber-tight pants, ugly cowboy boots, giant-ass belt buckles, and tucked-in t-shirts, do not spell sexy. So to musically boast about being one of these sad creatures is just unfathomable.
This man represents everything that is wrong with America.
I sure hope she is willing to fork over for her night of vehicular massacre.
6. The lyrics. Who writes this shit? I know that not all lyrics are golden, but the worst ones seem to stem exclusively from country music.
That's just too many sequins for one little girl.
7. Taylor Swift. I know she's America's sweetheart, but I think she's the devil in a sparkly cocktail dress. She seems like a nice girl. But her music is terrible. And I saw her on Saturday Night Live before I had ever heard her music, and she was god awful live. (Though, to be fair, 97% of the performers on SNL are terrible live). Her stupid sparkly guitar and her middle-school lyrics and raccoon eyes. Ok, so I admit that she's secretly a guilty pleasure. But I refuse to ever download her music or openly admit that I've rocked out to "You Belong to Me" on Stan's speakers when no one can hear me. And I hate myself for it.
Oh Billy Ray. With a name like that, you never had a chance.
8. Mullets. Enough said.
I'm sure there are more, but I just had a large, fruity and delicious cocktail and my brain is feeling delightfully fuzzy. Let's just say, I effing HATE country music.