Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Taking Back Christmas

I decorated for Christmas this past weekend. And I'm not ashamed. (Of course, by decorated, I mean that I put up one strand of mini-lights around my breakfast bar and set up a 12 inch fake tree covered in tiny glitter balls ((tee hee balls)) on the counter. But it's way more effort than I've ever exerted in the past. So this is kind of a big deal.) Yes, I'm aware that Thanksgiving is still weeks away and everyone still has their creatively slutty Halloween photos posted on their Facebook profiles. I've been mocked by family, friends, and homeboy (who refuses to let me even turn on the Christmas lights when he's around until December 1st). Everyone seems to think it's wrong and commercial to get a jump on the season.

My actual tree. This is the extent of my Christmas decorations,
Mostly brought to you by the Target dollar section.

But here's the thing, by the time Christmas rolls around on December 1st, I'm already sick of it. It's like seeing a trailer for a movie you really want to see so far in advance that by the time it actually opens, it's been overexposed to death and you end up just waiting to watch it when it comes out on Netflix. Convoluted metaphor aside, I'm ready for Christmas now, dammit! And because I is an American grown-up, I can do whatever the hell I please! Ergo, a little holiday display that makes me inexplicably happy :D In the spirit of pre-Christmas, I have compiled a list of my favorite festive films (huzzah for alliteration!). Watch with some delicious egg nog pancakes from IHOP (they are a real thing and really friggin' good):

"There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?"

Love Actually (2003)

A romantic comedy that's both so romantic and so comedic, that it really can be watched any time of year. However, it happens to take place at Christmas and is there for the cheeriest effing movie on the planet. And if you haven't seen it, I pity your soul for it is incomplete. Also, read this blog I wrote about a heartbreakingly doomed romance inspired by this movie that I came across a few years ago in Studio City! Best line: "Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love."

"This is my house. I have to defend it."

Home Alone (1990)

Another movie that really can be watched any time of year. Because that's how good John Hughes is. That's right, my hero John Hughes of Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller acclaim also wrote this beloved family classic before sadly starting his descent into oblivion. Macaulay Culkin's best work, other than Party Monster which I also love. Best line: "When I grow up and get married, I'M LIVING ALONE!!"

"I have loved you since the moment I clapped eyes on you. What could be more reasonable than to marry you?"
"We'd kill each other."

Little Women (1994)

Fun fact about this movie, I originally went to see it as a chaperone for my brother Scott on what may have been his first date (Mormon dating rules. Go fig). Actually I have no idea if it was his first date, since I would have been about 6 or 7 at the time and all I remember is curling up in a ball and falling asleep in my chair. God knows what happened while I was out, but all I can say is, You're Welcome, Scott. Best line: Christian Bale proposing. Just all of it. I want to slap Jo every time, even though his hair was unattractively floppy at the time. She could have had it all and she settled for a potato-faced German professor. Boo.

"I didn't come here to make an impression on anybody.
I just came here to blow every last cent I had."

Last Holiday (2006)

God bless Queen Latifah. Few things make me happier than this movie. It is life affirming, hilarious, and makes you want to reach for the stars and make all your dreams come true. Plus, you really can crack a walnut with LL Cool J's ass. Little known fact, but it's true. Best line: tie between "Don't that ceiling ever make you wanna cry?" and "I shoulda ate that. I shoulda ate all that stuff. Especially that. Shoulda put my foot in that."

Yippee-ki-yay indeed.

Die Hard (1988)

I know I'm not the first person to proclaim, "it really is a Christmas movie!" But it really does get me in the mood for jingle bells and ugly sweaters. And seeing as it's the one action movie that every other action movie thereafter was modeled after, I'd say it's pretty damn significant. I can already check this one off of my holiday bucket list, since I watched it right after decorating my teeny tiny tree. Best line: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho." (Ok, no one actually says it, this is written in blood on a dead terrorist's shirt, but it's still pretty badass).

"Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt."

The O.C. Chrismukkuh Marathon (2003-2007)

Now, I could rant all day about how much I love the O.C. and that it is truly brilliant on a self-aware, genre parody/paradigm level. I won't because I already wrote an entire paper on it in college. True story. Got an A and everything, and the professor wasn't even a fan. I convinced her to start watching. If you won't give it a chance because you have some pre-conceived notion of soapy teen dramas based on its predecessors and cheap copycats, then you can just hopscotch straight to hell. This show kicks ass, and it is never better than its annual Chrismukkuh-themed episode. Even if you only watch those four episodes, you will be convinced that I am right. Best line: "Jesus and Moses. They both had beards." (Sung to Death Cab's A Lack of Color).

Of course, this early celebration to beat the rush may end up backfiring. I'll have to start my festivities earlier and earlier every year, until I start celebrating Christmas 2025 the day after Christmas 2024 which defeats the whole purpose of my experiment. But for now, I feel good about this decision.

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