Sunday, February 28, 2010

Little White Chapel

I've always wanted to get married in a drunken, quickie Vegas wedding chapel. Maybe to some sweet but dumb Chippendale's dancer. Since marriage apparently doesn't mean much to celebrities and half of the nation's marriages fail, why not? It's not like some sacred institution anymore. Even though God knows we can't let those deranged homosexuals practice it. I'm not big on the drinking or the partying or the blacking out, but for once in my life I think it would be fun to wake up in a suite at Caesar's Palace next to a total stranger (a guy from Thunder from Down Under would be fine too), and discover a pair of matching wedding bands slowly turning our fingers green. Granted a quickie annulment would be on the agenda shortly after piecing together our fragmented memories from clues and eyewitness statements from a guy dressed as Dolly Parton and a Korean Elvis impersonator. But wouldn't it be something if that six-pack sporting stranger wearing only a bow tie and cufflinks turned out to be my soulmate? Hey, it could happen.

This is not the only strange and seemingly undesirable item on my Bucket List. I would also like to get in a bar fight (either start one, finish one, or be the cause of one), get shot (of course non-lethally or serious damage-y, maybe in the lovehandle. I heard it saved a woman's life, getting shot in her lovehandle), get arrested for something also non-threatening (like maybe getting in a bar fight, or picking a California state protected golden poppy), steal something not valuable (and maybe get arrested for it, though come to think of it, I was accessory to the theft of a star from the Christmas tree outside the town hall in Sydney, Australia, so maybe I can cross that one off the list), nearly drown but get saved at the last minute by some ridiculously good-looking lifeguard (again, with no lasting damage), meet the Pope, and watch at least the entire first season of Doogie Howser, M.D. (the whole series if I take a shine to it). I know my concessions and qualifications to this list water down the badass factor, but I'd rather not die, be maimed, get shived, rot in jail, have my soul saved, or commit to the entire series of Doogie if it for some reason turns out to suck.

Anyway, I can't wait until I can finally go to Vegas and meet my speedo-clad soulmate. I haven't been since I was fifteen, attending a legitimate wedding that wasn't my own, and couldn't even go to the bachelorette party because I was too young. Now I'm fully legal and can paint the town my own special shade of magenta.

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