Why I Keep Watching Felicity (Even Though I Kind of Hate It)

'Obsession' seems like the wrong word to describe this latest Netflix kick I've been on. 'Obsession' implies some sort of affection for its object. I guess 'rut' would be more accurate in the case of my recent on-going marathon of the late 90s post-adolescent drama Felicity. It's on and I don't feel like searching for something else. Am I really so lazy that I'm not even up to the idea of searching for a new, better show to watch unhealthy amounts of? The answer to that is yes. Yes I am. But there are other reasons I kind of secretly dig this horrible show:

Pictured: Playdough Man

1. Scott Speedman, or Ben Covington. Not to be confused with Scott Foley (Noel. What kind of a stupid late 90s name is Noel? Besides, he's just like a lumpy blob of playdough. Not off-putting, but by no means enticing.) Ben is also kind of a bland character (as are the rest of them), and he's not traditionally attractive. But he's got this crinkly-eyed smile that is pretty goddamn dreamy. I can almost understand why Felicity was such a stupid, girly, stalker, moron and gave up her entire life plan to follow him across the country.

Ok, I kind of get it. But still, have some self-respect, Felicity! Dammit.

2. Every week is an ugly sweater party. Seriously. Homegirl has a major bulky woolen cable-knit fetish. I find it hard to believe that a girl who resembles a sheep for most of her screen time gets so much play.

Standard Felicity Wardrobe.

Stacy and Clinton would have a field day in this girl's closet.

3. A little part of me wishes I could go back and do college over again. This gives me a bit of nostalgia for the college experience I never had.

4. An even smaller part of me wishes I lived in New York. Which is silly, because the majority of my personalities despise New York. It's cold in the winter, humid in the summer, smelly, dirty, dangerous, overcrowded, overpriced, and everyone is nuts and really arrogant about the fact that they live in New York. BFD. But I still found myself idly looking at apartments for rent in the Manhattan area. (And I thought my apartment complex I work for was expensive! Jesus!)

What a stupid, wannabe moody opening sequence. What is the theme song even saying? Is it just gibberish? And what's with the black and white still photographs of the characters looking like they're in pain while trying to look thoughtful and/or like they are having fun?

5. It's weird seeing actors who are now famous in bit parts. So far I've spotted Jennifer Garner (Pre-Alias. Which I have never seen, but have heard good things. Maybe I'll try that and give JJ Abrams a second chance at writing a believable, non-infuriating female protagonist), John Cho, and one of the guys in American Pie. I've also seen Christopher Sarandon (better known as Prince Humperdinck in The Princess Bride. Though I suppose that would be after he was famous...).

Have some self-respect, Humperdinck.

Frankly, this is beneath even you.

6. I genuinely loved Felicity's prime time counterpart, Dawson's Creek. That was the shit. I don't care that the dialogue was completely unrealistic and that all the characters were absurdly self-aware. Why should we fault a show for striving not to be dumbed down, even if the result is somewhat silly? I keep hoping that at some point, Felicity will be one-tenth as good as Dawson's Creek was. Or maybe I'm just killing time until they finally put Dawson's Creek on Netflix. (Get your crap together, Netflix! You owe me this one!)

God this show was good. Don't even try to hate. 'Cause I'll slap you. Through the internet.

7. While I don't love her character (holy hot mess, batman!) I was so excited when I saw that Amy Jo Johnson plays Felicity's best friend, Julie. I was all about the Power Rangers in elementary school and the Pink Ranger was my favorite! (Though I was always relegated to playing the Yellow Ranger at recess because I wasn't as pretty as the other girls.) One of my (only) favorite moments in the show so far (and that's about 13 episodes in) was when an extra dressed up as the Pink Ranger at a Halloween party and Ben makes out with her! Wink wink, nudge nudge! See what they did there?

HI-YAH! Badass.

8. I feel kind of obligated to watch it, since I am attempting to become a dubious expert on all things teen-oriented. Just in case that knowledge ever comes in handy in a future game of Trivial Pursuit with the Grim Reaper and knowing that Felicity's ever-so-slightly offensive gay and vaguely ethnic stereotype boss at Dean and Deluca was named Javier just might save my soul.

But for reals, y'all, this is a terrible show. I do NOT recommend it. Really just a waste of time. But since that's all I'm interested in at the moment, I guess it does the trick. But it does raise my hackles every time Felicity acts like a lovesick puppy with really low self-esteem, Noel gets walked over like a proverbial doormat, and Julie is on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and Ben just doesn't give a shit. Which is basically the entire show in a nutshell.

Now I'm off to bed to watch it some more.

Fictional Men who have Ruined Real Men for Life

I was attempting to distract myself from the tortuous waiting of a very important phone call, so I decided to make a list. Upon revisiting The Office after watching Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, I have determined that no man will ever live up to the glory that is Jim Halpert. Sorry heterosexual menfolk, you just can't catch a break. He's pretty much perfect. Tall, sweet, adorable in a non-Ken doll way, smart, funny, hopelessly romantic but in a subtle, not-cheesy way. Jim got me thinking about all the other fictional men who collectively set the absurdly high standard their gender.

Yes, we realize that these are not real people. Mr. Darcy isn't really going to sweep us off our feet one day. And in reality, my personal standards aren't terribly high. But we've devoted countless hours to drooling over perfect (or perfectly flawed) man candies we can't have. And so here is a tribute to them and how they make every man we will ever meet seem short, awkward (in a not cute way), and generally off-putting. And I put a picture for every man because I was that bored today.

1. Jim Halpert - The Office

The perfect man. Period.

2. Jake Ryan - Sixteen Candles

The last real dreamboat and every teenage girl's fantasy.

3. Angel - Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel

Hulking brooding savior complex type with an unexpected self-deprecating sense of humor.

4. Mr. Darcy - Pride and Prejudice

Every woman's fantasy. I had a Mr. Darcy myself until I realized he really was just an asshole and not secretly awesome in addition to being sexy.

5. Seth Cohen - The O.C.

Snarky, adorable, with pop culture references to spare and the world's greatest jew fro (one of my particular weaknesses).

6. Prince Eric - The Little Mermaid

I'm not taking it back because he happens to be animated.

7. Captain Malcolm Reynolds - Firefly/Serenity

Badass space cowboy pirate, aptly nicknamed Captain Tightpants.

8. Indiana Jones - Duh

Fedora + whip + stubble = hawt.

9. Tom Lefroy - Becoming Jane

I heart James McAvoy with all my soul, and if Jane Austen is going to give up on him to be noble, I will gladly be there to pick up the pieces. I'm no saint.

10. Christian - Moulin Rouge

He's got a huge talent.

11. Lloyd Dobbler - Say Anything

Quite possibly the greatest grand gesture of all time.

12. Ned - Pushing Daisies

Hopefully I don't die before we get together and therefore can never actually touch him.

13. Theodore "Teddy/Laurie" Lawrence - Little Women

As with Jane Austen, if Jo is a moron and doesn't realize what she has, I'll tap that.

14. Wesley - The Princess Bride

I dig the mask. As you wish indeed.

15. Ferris Bueller - Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Can you imagine how perfect life would be? Everything would just fall into place.

16. Connor McManus - The Boondock Saints

Irish vigilante in a pea coat, what's not to love?

17. Crybaby Walker - Crybaby

The only role I truly dig Johnny Depp in as a sexual object. Swoon.

18. Chuck Bartowski - Chuck

He's just so darn cute. And he has skills.

19. Ted Mosby - How I Met Your Mother

Mostly the first season before he gets all Barnified. Hopeless romantic who performs a rain dance for the woman he loves.

20. Dr. Jack Shepherd - Lost

Maybe I just like guys with God complexes. Plus the manliest stubble ever depicted on celluloid.

21. Ben Stone - Knocked Up (This may be just for me)

I definitely have a thing for delightful Jew-fro'd shlubby guys with hidden sweet sides.

22. Bill/Eric/Alcide/Eggs/Jason/Sam, pretty much most male cast members of True Blood Who is their casting director? Because they have mad skills.

So that's my list. Feel free to contribute, but they must meet the criteria of: fictional (not actors, though it could be argued that their public persona is in fact a character and not actually representative of them in real life), and they have to be the kind of guy you want to run away with. Not just to take advantage of him and then never call again. If you mention Edward Cullen, I may have to slap you. Unless I'm kind of tipsy and admit that I secretly love him even though he is everything that is wrong with males (possessive, sexist, poncey, with too much hair product. But goddamn, can he wear a pea coat. Which everyone knows is my weakness). Also if you're a heterosexual man reading this, you are fully entitled to create a corresponding female list. No double standards at Sporadic Sporkitudes.

UPDATE: That phone call never came, so now I'm drinking a delicious glass of Two Buck Chuck Cabernet and feeling just fine. Though still tortured that Jim doesn't exist. And that Jim also happens to be my dad's name. So that would be a problem if Jim Halpert did exist. But I like to think we could overcome that. I could always give him a nickname. Big Tuna?

Nude Nuns with Big Guns!

"This sister is one bad mother." I swear to god, Nude Nuns with Big Guns is a real movie, and no it's not a porno. The rights to distribute it worldwide are on sale at the American Film Market in Santa Monica, so come on down! I saw the ad for it while running an errand and just about flipped out in front of all the international film executives. I NEED to see this movie because:

This could be the new greatest story ever told.

1. I freaking LOVE nuns!!! As evidenced by those joyful, leaping ladies in black to your right. Why do I love nuns? I'm not really sure. It's probably because I'm not Catholic and am therefore not frightened of them. Though I was a bit unnerved by the films "Sex in a Cold Climate" and "The Magdalene Sisters." (Which I highly recommend despite such painful thematic content). Maybe I identify with nuns on some level. I'm not sure how, since I revile all religion and any philosophy that practices extreme self-discipline and denial. But nuns make me happy. In fact, whenever I see them in real life I try to sneakily take a picture. It would take years of psychoanalysis to explain it, which I can't afford. So just accept that Hutch loves nuns.

2. Nude nuns? This intrigued me. How can a nun be a nun if she's nude? How do you know she's a nun if she's naked? Does she wear a habit? A cross? How do they solve this dilemma? My curiosity has been piqued. It's just such a contradiction.

3. I am sick and love violence for some reason. Especially when it's women kicking ass in any capacity. So nuns kicking ass, HELL YEAH!!

4. That tagline is priceless. So many taglines are just plain awful. So you have to reward their stellar marketing department's efforts.

5. I swear to god I heard this project being pitched when I was an intern at a small production company in college. I was sitting outside the producer's office listening to some overly-enthusiastic guy shout about "Nuns coming in with tits and guns a-blazin'." I don't know if it's the same exact movie, but I knew then and there that I had to check that out.

To make a long and complicated list short (too late), this is the movie of my dreams. Sadly, it will probably turn out to be awful. Especially now that I've put all my hopes and dreams into it. Just like what happened with "The Nun," a horror movie about a Satanic woman of the cloth. Not good. Wasted potential. You hate to see that happen. So maybe I should never actually see "Nude Nuns with Big Guns." Because it will never be as good as the movie in my head.

And in other AFM news, I could have sworn I spotted Dustin Hoffman walking on the fifth floor of the Loews, but upon closer observation of his badge...it wasn't. Oh well. Perhaps I'll never get to confront him about not hiring me to work at his production company (though I doubt he was involved personally in that decision). So no brilliant Oscar-Winning actors today, or even underrated sitcom dads. But there is rumored to be a Thai princess arriving later this evening. I guess she's in one of the movies being sold. There's even a red carpet for her arrival. Super keen.

I'd like to take this moment to say that if you are a potential employer considering hiring me for your high-profile production company that handles A-list clients like Dustin Hoffman and John Marshall Jones, please note that I swear I will be much more discreet about those persons of interest that I encounter.

Essential Reading: An Exhaustive and Comprehensive List

The following list was probably more fun to compile than it will be to read. But I'm posting it anyway because a lot of hard work (ie googling and polling) went into this here blog. It was the product of an unusually slow afternoon at work, and a desperate attempt to amuse ourselves (meaning me, my two co-workers and my boss), in lieu of our usual slow day (often vicious) Facebook Scrabble tournaments. It originally started out as just a list of all the books I think my future daughter(s) need to have read by puberty. But then it turned out that given the difficulty of some of the books mentioned, and in some cases, mature subject matter, maybe I should give a less stringent timeline.

As we were listing and googling to ensure accuracy of author and merit, it became apparent that there are so many good books out there, that perhaps we should include books that no boy should exit high school without having read. And as that process developed, it also became clear that perhaps having two such lists is somewhat sexist and encourages stereotypical gender roles, maybe we'll just make one big list that children of all genders (we're inclusive of those who aren't sure), should enjoy.

That lead to the argument regarding series of books and whether or not they count as 'seminal classics.' (Tee hee, seminal). So we just included those too. So here is the outcome of that ultimately productive afternoon of listing books that inspired us, moved us, taught us, and bonded us in a celebration of classic litt-tra-chure (one must pronounce it in the most pompous British way possible).

To My Future Daughter:

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Emma by Jane Austen
Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Anne of Green Gables by Lucy Maud Montgomery
Secret Garden by Francis Hodgson Burnett
Little Princess by Francis Hodgson Burnett
Are You There God, It's Me Margaret by Judy Blume
Matilda by Roald Dahl
Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
Eloise by Kay Thompson
Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell
Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson
Much Ado About Nothing by William Shakespeare
Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbit
Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Go Ask Alice by Anonymous
A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
A Girl Named Disaster by Nancy Farmer
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert
The Awakening by Kate Chopin
The Flip-Flop Girl by Katherine Paterson
The Princess Bride by William Goldman
Catherine, Called Birdy by Karen Cushman

To My Future Son:

The Hatchet by Gary Paulsen
My Side of the Mountain by Jean Craighead George
Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
A Separate Peace by John Knowles
Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
The Three Musketeers by Alexandre Dumas
Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
Peter Pan by J.M. Barrie
Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
Brave New World by Aldous Huxley
1984 by George Orwell
Animal Farm by George Orwell
Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut
Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
The Adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl
James and the Giant Peach by Roald Dahl
Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein
Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
The Han Solo Trilogy by Ann C. Crispin
On the Road by Jack Karouac
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
The Godfather by Mario Puzo
The Ear, The Eye, and the Arm by Nancy Farmer
The Kid Who Ran for President by Dan Gutman
Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson

Series:

Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling
Sweet Valley High by Francine Pascal
Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler
Nancy Drew by Carolyn Keene
Babysitter's Club by Ann M. Martin
Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot
Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging by Louise Rennison
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants by Ann Brashares
The Shoe Books by Noel Streatfeild
Anything by Judy Blume
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein
Goosebumps by R.L. Stein

Feel free to add any you thought we missed, though we did spend a shocking amount of time ensuring that nothing was forgotten and nothing extraneous was included. I was going to annotate and justify and add pictures, but that just seems like a lot of work. Have at it!

Hypothetically Stressing Out: Utah Edition

In my grand tradition of paranoid over-analyzing and obsessive excuse/list-making, I've decided to compile a pro/con list for the unlikely situation in which I land a job working for the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah. Keep in mind that I haven't even applied and most likely won't, given the outcome of this list, laziness/procrastination/forgetfulness, and my general fear of new and scary situations. But my co-worker planted the seed in my brain and now I can't stop thinking about 'what if...' The main pros are that it's a job I'd be perfect for, having volunteered twice for both the Newport Beach Film Festival, and the Sacramento French Film Festival, and worked two years in a row for the American Film Market, have an extensive background in customer service, and love seeing famous people. Not to mention it would probably set me up for life with a real, permanent job when Sundance ends.

It is kind of pretty there though, and Park City

is more like Colorado than Salt Lake City...

The downside, and it's a mother-effing doozy, is that it would involve packing up and moving my oh-so-fabulous life (note the sarcasm) here in Los Angeles, for the cold, dreary, oppressed world of Park City, Utah. I hate Utah. I've been several times, having gobs of family that reside in that cursed state, so It's not just blind hatred. The worst thing about Utah is that it's not California. I'm a huge California snob, not to mention my immediate family and friends are all here. It would mean leaving my beloved home state for only three months, but is three months really worth that big of a transition?

Pros
Networking
Famous People (yay!)
Interesting new experience (I like those. Sometimes)
Break from L.A. (I like living here, but this town seriously gets to you)
Change is good (according to Rafiki)
Amazing on resume (Like, epically amazing)
Could lead to even better jobs afterward (arguable)
Perfect for it (never have I been more qualified for a position in my life)
Not great salary, but lots of hours
Passion for independent film, yada yada (Can't let that expensive film degree go to waste!)
Maybe opportunity to see some of those movies for free? (Please?)
Good timing (As this job is almost over)
It's a job.

Cons
Utah (Not CA)
Utah (Surrounded by Mormons when I'm headed for Outer Darkness)
Utah (So far away...)
Packing up entire life just for 3 months (if it were longer/permanent I'd be more gung ho. Tee hee, gung ho. Your mom's a gung ho.)
Giving up my sweet bachelorette pad
I hate moving (no, like seriously. The main reason I live in South Central is because I don't want to move again)
Only 3 months (big commitment for short amount of time)
Have to start over to find job/apt. in LA. (it was too easy the first time around. Now not so much)
It's freezing there and I don't even own a raincoat (meaning shopping when I have no $)
Miss both Thanksgiving and Christmas (I LOVE THANKSGIVING!!!! And what is Christmas without your family?)
Miss family (but spend time with Utah family pro/con)
Miss friends, some of which just moved to LA. (I can't ditch them, can I?)
Long hours and weekends (Momma needs her 'me time'.)
I'd still be poor. (And I'm so tired of being poor)
No benefits/insurance (Not that I have any now. But still, I gotta get me some of that eventually)
Updating resume when not in job search mode (Harder for me than it sounds)
Logistical nightmare and I'm afraid of those. (ie finding an apartment, transportation, etc.)
Bad timing (the job starts right after this one, but interviewing, etc. will be tricky during the Market)
I'd rather find a full-time, year-round job. (Is that too much to ask, Universe?)

I may still apply, but then I'll just freak out about actually getting the job (which I probably won't) and then I'll get pissed because I'm perfect for the job and there's pretty slim pickins in these parts. Now is the part where y'all say, get over it Hutch. Either suck it up and update your resume or quit whining and making excuses.

Positive Thinking vs. Lowered Expectations

Apparently there was an earthquake in Southern California this morning around 4am. Luckily, I didn't feel a thing and slept right through it even though earthquakes are my biggest phobia. However, I believe that subconsciously I was aware that I was in the middle of an earthquake and that is why I had a horrible nightmare which exposed all of my inner anxiety. I dreamed that I couldn't even get a job at a donut shop and woke up crying. This was a horrible way to start the day. I was also stressed because I've been falling behind on the one job I'm getting paid to do, reading scripts.

Fortunately all of these horrible omens canceled each other out because I got a call this morning to interview at an independent production company in North Hollywood. For someone who hasn't had an interview in over a month and my back-up plan of working for the Census is becoming more and more unlikely, this was extremely exciting.

I went to the interview at 1:30pm and automatically knew this was the place I wanted to work. It was small enough that I could get experience working with lots of different roles in film development and production, but big enough to have influence. They deal with all aspects of the entertainment industry, music, television, and film, and are growing everyday. I would be a receptionist, but eventually I could become an assistant and who knows where that could lead. The money is decent, but I wouldn't even care because it's such an incredible start to my career. And when I was about ready to give up and work at Ralph's and do some kind of unpaid (slave labor) internship, this was an even more incredible opportunity.

I think the interview went really well. Everyone always says to think positively. But I'm afraid to let myself really want this and get attached to the fantasy of not only getting paid at a steady job, but a job that will take me where I want to go. I've been burned before by expecting too much. I'm trying to send good, hopeful vibes out into the universe since there's nothing I can do now to alter their decision. But I feel like I should just forget about the whole thing and keep applying elsewhere. If they call, then great. But I should prepare for the worst. I hate to be negative but I hate being disappointed even more.

Vagina Pride!!

Some thoughts on the just wrapped up Oscars. I have never actually watched the Academy Awards all the way through. I also don't have a television. But I found a way to watch the entire thing online (even though towards the climax the link died and I had to watch the best parts dubbed in Spanish and my ears are still ringing). I guess I don't really deserve an opinion because I've only seen like five of the movies nominated out of every single movie mentioned. (Up in the Air which was gypped but I understand why, Up, eh overrated and I hate computer animation, and Inglorious Basterds, which I enjoyed despite my usual hatred of Tarantino, and that actually may be it.)

But it was a proud moment to see that a film helmed by a woman, especially a war film, finally earned so much respect. It was always a dream in the back of my mind to be the first, but if it had to be another woman, I'm glad it was Kathryn Bigelow. She seems so classy and gracious and I just wanted to give her a hug. It was sooo tacky though to have "I am woman, hear me roar" playing in the background, but even so, HELL YES!!! I do have to agree that this was largely political, but even so, she has the chops to back it up. I'm assuming. Like I said, I haven't seen the movie because I'm broke and I kind of hate war movies.

As well-earned as the Best Director award was, I do feel that Avatar was robbed for best picture. Haven't seen it. But based on the impact it has had on popular culture, and the impact it has made in the filmmaking world, I do feel like it deserved to win. I was watching the show via a British broadcast and their point was that this was clearly the more memorable film. I would also relate it somewhat to 1984 when Chariots of Fire (blech) won over Raiders of the Lost Ark. Who even remembers Chariots of Fire?

Anyway, yes it's all political. But in this case, it's political for the greater good. Kathryn Bigelow, you make me proud to be a woman in an industry that is still dominated by men. :D