Shows I Cannot Get Into for the Life of Me

It's my Sunday night and I've done almost nothing but watch bad television all day and eat "healthy" junk food from Trader Joe's, (mostly pumpkin-based treats because I've made it my mission to eat ALL OF THE PUMPKIN THINGS ON THE PLANET. And yes, I am a white girl. But can we get over this stereotype? Because pumpkin spice is delicious and my gender and ethnicity have nothing to do with that. Ok, gourd-inspired feminist rant over.) Why did I waste my time watching "bad" television when I could have been writing the Great American Screenplay or at the very least, doing the dishes? Because I was determined to jump on a new bandwagon.

Surprisingly really good!
Though I always have a soft spot
for shows cancelled before their time.
Also, James van der Beek.

Having recently finished my latest obsession, "Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23," and finally closing out "The West Wing" (Which started off brilliant, but was brilliantly painful towards the end. Out of mad respect for Allison Janney I stayed the course), I was on the lookout for the Next Best Thing Ever. I am always open to suggestions as to what I should fixate upon and spend inordinate amounts of time consuming. But sometimes, those bandwagons that are so cherished by others, leave me cold and dusty. I realize that some of the following selections may make me seem hipster-ish in my rejection of what is normally considered to be outstanding and beloved. Let me be clear, I genuinely wish I liked these shows. I would love to participate in the cultural obsession and prattle on about sexual tension, the latest shocking twist, or basking in fan nostalgia. But I just can't get behind them, no matter how hard I try.

These are shows I tried, and failed, to watch despite critical acclaim, and/or high recommendations from friends, family, or pop culture at large:

No strong feelings one way or the other.

"Orange is the New Black"

It's a phenomenal show. The characters are compelling and well-fleshed out (anyone else creeped out by that term?). I like the story structure and it's certainly an original concept. I gave it a good 4-5 episodes before finally determining that no matter how high-quality the show is, I just am not interested in prison. Just like Shawshank Redemption is an incredible movie that I will never watch again, I just couldn't get past the bleakness.

Yeah…no. Put some pants on.

"Breaking Bad"

I watched the entire first season and the beginning of the second at the behest of a boy I was like REALLY into at the time. Ugh. Never again will I let my feelings for a man cloud my judgement of a show that did nothing for me. Yes, it's well-crafted. I get that. But I hated everyone. Like, actually hated. And why would I spend so much time and devotion to a show that just made me angry? Plus, I don't find meth all that fascinating.

I get it. You're sexy. Even with the ridiculous outfits and bad facial hair.
But this is not a world I care to hang out in.

"Sons of Anarchy"

I have been in love with Charlie Hunnam ever since "Green Street Hooligans" (which is one of the best movies you've never seen about British football hooliganism. Which proves that just because I can't actually relate to the world of a film or TV show, I can still lose myself in it. The pretty boys didn't hurt.) Charlie further captured my heart in Judd Apatow's short-lived, unappreciated "Undeclared." In fact, when I learned that he was going to be Christian Grey, I admit that I actually got excited about seeing "50 Shades of Grey." That being said, meh. Six or seven episodes in, I gave up. I do not understand the obsession with motorcycles.

Lulls me into a very fitful sleep.

"The X-Files"

I just tried to watch this on Netflix for the third or fourth time. I don't consider myself a nerd by any means, but I do appreciate quite a bit of nerd culture. (Buffy, Angel, Firefly, I'm sure there are more that aren't solely created by Joss Whedon, but I'm blanking at the moment. Oh Star Wars! I like Star Wars!) But dammit, if I don't fall asleep every time! And then I have nightmares. Because that theme song has made me shiver ever since I was a little girl and would hear it drifting creepily down the hall from the living room while my brothers watched it and I would cover myself in bed with stuffed animals so the aliens would get confused and not be able to find and abduct me. Yes, my biggest childhood fear wasn't spiders or snakes or the bogeyman. I was genuinely convinced that I would get kidnapped by aliens. And since I never was (fingers crossed), I like to think my stuffed animal misdirection method was foolproof. Anyway, back to the X Files. It manages to be both terrifying and boring at the same time. No thanks.

You sir, are no Mr. Darcy.

"North & South"

If you haven't heard of this one, it's a sort of Pride & Prejudice/Downton Abbey-esque mini-series available now on Netflix. Two of my bestest friends in the world, who normally have exquisite taste, have all but forced me to watch "North & South" at gunpoint, convinced that if I just give it a chance, I will love it to pieces. But Jane Austen, it is not. Once more, I hate everyone. They are extremely unlikeable, and not even in the way that is still fun to watch. Plus the setting is so very bleak (which is probably why I don't like prison or meth. But football violence is freaking awesome so the bleak explanation is flawed). Apparently, it's all worth it for the ending. But it's just dreary, and life is dreary enough.

He kills a dog with his bare hands in the first episode.
It was one of the most shocking yet effective character reveals I've ever seen.
But I just couldn't get on board.

"House of Cards"

1. Terrible, awful people you don't particularly feel like rooting for. 2. A setting that I have no relation to (I despise politics and can't fathom living in the hell that is D.C., no matter how awesome old school "West Wing" and new school "Scandal" are). 3. Isn't that enough to give up on a show that is impeccable in all aspects other than the fact that I just don't like it?

I'm referring to any and all series under the banner of "Star Trek."
But for our purposes, let's just focus on The Next Generation.

"Star Trek"

… Sorry, homeboy. I learned my lesson from "Breaking Bad."

I still love you Pacey (even though I was totally Team Dawson).

"Fringe"

Another show that was highly recommended to me by a fan who usually shares my same tastes. She had quoted me some of the more memorable lines and insisted that Joshua Jackson was just as charming as Peter Bishop as he was as Pacey Witter. Also, I toured the guy who plays Walter Bishop when I still worked at the Studio City property. I didn't know he was famous until we got stopped by a gushing resident who shook his hand and told him he was a big fan of the show. Awkward. He ended up not leasing an apartment despite clear interest and is therefore dead to me. But I was willing to overlook that fact and have been watching "Fringe" pretty much all day. (Taking a short break to watch some "Sister Wives." Why? I don't really know.) I don't think I'm ready to give up on it just yet. But it's honestly not doing much for me. I find myself more interested in reading blogs or random articles posted on Twitter or Facebook than watching this show. We shall see if it starts grabbing my attention more. Good luck, Pacey.

You can make all the arguments defending these shows you want. And I will probably agree with you in most respects. But like I said, I just can't.

Floyd and the Hendersons

After nearly dying twice in two separate elevators in the span of about five minutes, I was rewarded with a vision. And that vision goes by the name of Floyd Henderson, otherwise known as the dad on the short-lived but much-loved (by me) family sitcom, "Smart Guy." If you've never seen the show, which aired from 1997-99, it was about an adorable, precocious wunderkind played by the younger, more talented brother of twins Tia and Tamara Mowry (of "Sister, Sister" fame). TJ is so smart that he skips six grades and ends up in high school with his less gifted, more goofy brother Marcus, and snotty, overachieving sister Yvette. The Hendersons have their ups and downs, and their wacky hijinks, but they are all bonded together by the rock that is Floyd Henderson, their good-looking, wise-cracking single father.

The Henderson family, with their kooky friend Mo,

who is not known for his failed catch phrase, "Hello d'ere!"

It was a typical sitcom, nothing revolutionary about it. But it was just dandy. I looked forward to watching reruns of "Smart Guy" and "Boy Meets World" when I got home from school and did my homework. (I just found out today that the two shows actually used the exact same high school set, thrifty!) So when I was making the badge for John Marshall Jones to attend the film industry event I work for, I could have sworn his name sounded familiar. When I saw his picture, I immediate recognized him as Floyd, one of television's most underrated dads. There are a lot of interesting people coming to the event (I won't drop names...actually I probably will). But John Marshall Jones was the one I was most stoked about. We don't usually see the people that come to the event, being trapped downstairs in the offices with the ocean view. But just knowing that he was attending, made me feel a slight sense of unwarranted superiority.

John Marshall Jones. You so crazy.

As I said, I almost died in the elevator, twice. So when I finally arrived, breathless and heart racing, at my destination, (the registration room) who should be standing there talking to my co-worker, but FLOYD FRICKIN' HENDERSON! It took me a second to recognize him, but I flipped out internally as I waited for him to finish talking. I didn't know what to say! (Though I always wonder what you're supposed to say to celebrities when you encounter them in real life. And yes, I use the term 'celebrity' loosely here.) "Hey Floyd! I mean John...You were in that awesome but quickly cancelled tv series over 10 years ago. I kinda dug you. How's tricks?" Not bloody likely. So he left, without ever knowing that I enjoyed his performance and took great comfort in his tough but amused love approach to parenting the gifted and the goofy. I later found out that my friend got even luckier and saw Jenna Fischer (Pam Beesley from "The Office") at the Ralph's in Studio City. She wins, but still. FLOYD!

The point is, after being so close to death, (or stuck in an elevator when I had to pee really bad), it was nice to see a reminder of my childhood. And the rest of the day I couldn't get the show's awesomely awkward theme rap out of my head. "He's got a way with the ladies, and he's keepin' it real. Your favorite little study buddy, he knows the deal!" Classic.

Vili the Warrior!

So I'm watching the new Hawaii 5-0, though I'm still not sure why I like it (other than the pretty boys including Jin from Lost). And out of the blue, there is my Hawaiian boyfriend, Vili the Warrior, performing native tribal chants during a football game on the show. Now, why they were playing football in a Hawaiian cop procedural, I'm not sure. But still, I was stoked to see Vili.

My friend Jenna, My boyfriend Vili, and ME!!

I met the Warrior in Honolulu in August of 2008 at a knockoff version of Cirque du Soleil. I got my picture taken with him and was convinced that we were going to fall in love and get married. Obviously this didn't happen, since he's still in Hawaii and I'm still mentally unstable. But I had planned to get me some mondo Polynesian man-tail while on vacation and Vili, with his crazy bug-eyes and threatening sticking-out tongue face, had me at AHHHHHHHGGGGGGGOOOOLLLOOO!!! Or however that chant went.

When I spotted him on 5-o, I set about googling to see how my former paramour was fairing without me. It turns out Vili has his own website which features the likes of David Hasselhoff enjoying his performance, as well as pictures of Vili chest-bumping various football players. It's quite a treat. Judging by how much he charges for luau appearances, I'd say Vili is doing just fine. Apparently he has also appeared on Jimmy Kimmel and Full House. So, you go Vili, congrats on the prime time slot!

UPDATE: Still watching and who else should turn up in this episode, but frickin' Max Cassella, otherwise known as RACETRACK from the Newsies, which is my favorite movie of ALL-TIME!!! Damn, this is a moderately decent show!

Wannabe Entertainment Weekly Article: Lone Star's Untimely Demise

It is my favorite season at last! Season premiere season! I'm a big fan of Fall in general. The weather, the clothes, the food, the atmosphere. But the most exciting thing to me is getting to watch and review (for personal edification, rather than for compensation) the season openers and hot off the press pilots. As a TV junkie (who ironically has no TV), I have caught a good chunk of the new shows this year, and I've been rather impressed.

1. How I Met Your Mother, one of my favorite shows of all time, returns fresh from a rather stilted, sitcommy Season 5 with the undeniable combination of Wayne Brady and Neil Patrick Harris. Good times were had by all.

2. Mike & Molly, which I was excited about, being an overweight person finally represented on TV by characters who were not just sassy sidekicks. You'd think we were a minority from the way we're invisible on screen. Embrace the jigglypuff, America. They got a lot of the obligatory fat jokes out of the way, and still managed to have some sweet moments.

3. Hawaii 5-0. Never watched the old one. Probably wouldn't watch the new one if it excluded Jin from Lost and super sexy though super boring Alex O'Loughlin. But I was pleased to see as the inaugural baddies, the less attractive Boondock Saint (Norman Reedus) and Buffy's own Spike the vampire (James Marsters). Wasn't otherwise too impressed with the pilot, but the following episode ended with an adorable makeshift police academy graduation.

4. Raising Hope. The best new show I've seen so far. It's random and awkward (high praise in my terms), with a pretty man candy lead, and extremely well-done. Highlight was when new father Jimmy pukes on his new baby whilst changing her diaper. Sounds cheap and vulgar, but it was genuinely hysterical. Watch it now, I say!

5. Glee. I love it with all my heart, but it is seriously flawed. Hated the new kids, and as for the Britney episode, surely they could have picked better songs. Though "Stronger" re-imagined as an 80s training montage power ballad, was a stroke of genius.

6.. Lone Star. I confess I did not watch it. And I was not alone. It didn't really appeal to me, despite the attractive star. But upon hearing the news yesterday that Fox was canceling it after two underachieving episodes, my heart broke for the Dallas-set sudser. Fox has a history of canceling amazing shows (again, didn't see this one but it got great reviews), many of which became legendary in their afterlife. But what the network needs to remember, is that this was someone's baby. Someone dreamed up the concept, pitched it, was stoked when it sold, even more stoked when it was produced, and probably experienced the realization of a dream the night it aired. Its creator even appealed to audiences in an open letter, pleading his case to a public overwhelmed with new shows and old favorites. And yet still Lone Star got the axe. Production on episode 6 was halted, most likely never to be finished. All those people lost their jobs and may not be hired again now that the season is underway. Am I the only one who is touched by this? That some cliched money-grubbing executive can just yank the show off the air with a metaphorical vaudevillian shepherd's crook? I know television is a business, and what's a business, without revenue. But they could have at least given it a chance to find its identity and its audience before throwing in the towel. (How many metaphors can I mix here?) Anyway, I'll be mourning the death of a show I never watched while rejoicing in the (fingers crossed) success of my other obsessions.

1994

1994 is a mysterious and wonderful period of time to me. I was alive, but not really aware of the wonders that surrounded me. By wonders I mean the gratuitous presence of flannel, stubble, and jeans with ripped kneeholes, (the Seattle grunge does for me what tuxedos do for most other women). I also mean one of my favorite eras of music, Smashing Pumpkins, early Green Day, Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots, etc. It was a great year for movies, spawning such gems as Forrest Gump, the Little Rascals and SPEED.

But the greatest product of 1994 has to be the under-appreciated cult classic tv drama, My So-Called Life. I consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur of teenage-oriented tv shows, imbibing the good (The OC, Freaks and Geeks), the bad (the new 90210, Gossip Girl), and the ugly (the old 90210 and Felicity post hair-cut). But in all of my days of gluttonous tv watching, My So-Called Life is the only show that has ever approximated what it really means to be a teenager who isn't perfect looking, doesn't live in Southern California or Manhattan, and whose parents actually give a damn about them.

The characters feel real and natural, like people you might have known in high school. It's impossible to not relate to Angela Chase, who blows everything way out of proportion exactly like we all did at that age (and still do sometimes). Everyone has a Jordan Catalano they swooned after and probably never got to make out with in the boiler room. And Rayanne and Rickie, with all their flaws stand in for your own unique, lovable best friends. The dialogue is smart, but not unrealistic. The plotlines are complex but not convoluted. The show doesn't shy away from real issues like alcoholism, homosexuality, and homelessness, and yet still manages to avoid the 'very special episode' that most other shows of its time preached.

My So-Called Life is a truly amazing show that always seems to capture whatever shade of angst I'm currently feeling and help dissolve it by living vicariously through the lives of the students of Liberty High. Perhaps the best thing about the show is the fact that it was cancelled before it had a chance to deteriorate. Many of the best shows are misunderstood by their parent studios and large-scale audiences. But for me, My So-Called Life allows a glimpse into the recent past of 1994. A time I was too young to really remember, and history has yet to recognize. I'm curious to see what new shows will act as cultural artifacts of this time period until hindsight tells us how to characterize the year 2010. I seriously hope it's not Rock of Love or American Idol.

What you may expect here in the land of plastic multi-purpose utensils:

As you probably know, my name is Hutch and this is my first attempt at a real blog. I flirted with the blogging function on my rapidly decaying myspace page, but that was more the ramblings of a sad, pathetic college girl desperately avoiding homework at any and all costs. In this new and improved blog, you may expect the ramblings of a sad, pathetic, post-grad girl desperately avoiding...everything at any and all costs. I may even invent things for myself to avoid since it gives me such a thrill. I'm open to suggestions.

So I tried to come up with a cohesive, over-arching theme for this blog. But I seem to lack a cohesive, over-arching theme in my life, so I decided to embrace the chaos erupting in my mind and just go with a standard stream of consciousness.

The primary inspiration for Sporadic Sporkitudes is the Entertainment Weekly columns of one of my all-time heroes, Diablo Cody (cheeky stripper turned oscar-winning screenwriter of "Juno" and "United States of Tara.") She seems to write about whatever strikes her fancy, be it bad reality television, Jewish deli soup, or silver twinkie Airstream trailers. And good times are had by all. In an effort to follow in her footsteps (along with Tina Fey, Mindy Kaling, Judd Apatow, and John Hughes among other heroes), I am attempting to work on my writing skills as they are sadly deteriorating. Trying to boil down witticisms, observations, quotes by more intelligent and pithy writers into 140 characters or less has really affected my ability to complete whole paragraphs of thought.

Regarding what you may expect here in Spork-land, probably a whole lot of nothing. Posts may be few and far between or several completely unconnected posts in a single day. They will most likely postulate on one or more of the following subjects: movies, tv, books, music, food, attractive menfolk, pop culture, random bouts of nostalgia, observations of my wacky South Central surroundings, and rants about arbitrary pet peeves or how lame my life happens to be at the moment. I may occasionally veer into the world of politics (though I try to keep an open mind and see both sides of a topic), religion (Jesus Freaks be warned), education and other more heavy topics. But I will probably end up writing mostly about the simultaneous joy and despair of Raumen noodle soup.

So that wraps up my inaugural blog of Sporadic Sporkitudes! We'll see if this experiment works.