Taking Back Christmas

I decorated for Christmas this past weekend. And I'm not ashamed. (Of course, by decorated, I mean that I put up one strand of mini-lights around my breakfast bar and set up a 12 inch fake tree covered in tiny glitter balls ((tee hee balls)) on the counter. But it's way more effort than I've ever exerted in the past. So this is kind of a big deal.) Yes, I'm aware that Thanksgiving is still weeks away and everyone still has their creatively slutty Halloween photos posted on their Facebook profiles. I've been mocked by family, friends, and homeboy (who refuses to let me even turn on the Christmas lights when he's around until December 1st). Everyone seems to think it's wrong and commercial to get a jump on the season.

My actual tree. This is the extent of my Christmas decorations,
Mostly brought to you by the Target dollar section.

But here's the thing, by the time Christmas rolls around on December 1st, I'm already sick of it. It's like seeing a trailer for a movie you really want to see so far in advance that by the time it actually opens, it's been overexposed to death and you end up just waiting to watch it when it comes out on Netflix. Convoluted metaphor aside, I'm ready for Christmas now, dammit! And because I is an American grown-up, I can do whatever the hell I please! Ergo, a little holiday display that makes me inexplicably happy :D In the spirit of pre-Christmas, I have compiled a list of my favorite festive films (huzzah for alliteration!). Watch with some delicious egg nog pancakes from IHOP (they are a real thing and really friggin' good):

"There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus?"

Love Actually (2003)

A romantic comedy that's both so romantic and so comedic, that it really can be watched any time of year. However, it happens to take place at Christmas and is there for the cheeriest effing movie on the planet. And if you haven't seen it, I pity your soul for it is incomplete. Also, read this blog I wrote about a heartbreakingly doomed romance inspired by this movie that I came across a few years ago in Studio City! Best line: "Let's go get the shit kicked out of us by love."

"This is my house. I have to defend it."

Home Alone (1990)

Another movie that really can be watched any time of year. Because that's how good John Hughes is. That's right, my hero John Hughes of Breakfast Club and Ferris Bueller acclaim also wrote this beloved family classic before sadly starting his descent into oblivion. Macaulay Culkin's best work, other than Party Monster which I also love. Best line: "When I grow up and get married, I'M LIVING ALONE!!"

"I have loved you since the moment I clapped eyes on you. What could be more reasonable than to marry you?"
"We'd kill each other."

Little Women (1994)

Fun fact about this movie, I originally went to see it as a chaperone for my brother Scott on what may have been his first date (Mormon dating rules. Go fig). Actually I have no idea if it was his first date, since I would have been about 6 or 7 at the time and all I remember is curling up in a ball and falling asleep in my chair. God knows what happened while I was out, but all I can say is, You're Welcome, Scott. Best line: Christian Bale proposing. Just all of it. I want to slap Jo every time, even though his hair was unattractively floppy at the time. She could have had it all and she settled for a potato-faced German professor. Boo.

"I didn't come here to make an impression on anybody.
I just came here to blow every last cent I had."

Last Holiday (2006)

God bless Queen Latifah. Few things make me happier than this movie. It is life affirming, hilarious, and makes you want to reach for the stars and make all your dreams come true. Plus, you really can crack a walnut with LL Cool J's ass. Little known fact, but it's true. Best line: tie between "Don't that ceiling ever make you wanna cry?" and "I shoulda ate that. I shoulda ate all that stuff. Especially that. Shoulda put my foot in that."

Yippee-ki-yay indeed.

Die Hard (1988)

I know I'm not the first person to proclaim, "it really is a Christmas movie!" But it really does get me in the mood for jingle bells and ugly sweaters. And seeing as it's the one action movie that every other action movie thereafter was modeled after, I'd say it's pretty damn significant. I can already check this one off of my holiday bucket list, since I watched it right after decorating my teeny tiny tree. Best line: "Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho." (Ok, no one actually says it, this is written in blood on a dead terrorist's shirt, but it's still pretty badass).

"Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt."

The O.C. Chrismukkuh Marathon (2003-2007)

Now, I could rant all day about how much I love the O.C. and that it is truly brilliant on a self-aware, genre parody/paradigm level. I won't because I already wrote an entire paper on it in college. True story. Got an A and everything, and the professor wasn't even a fan. I convinced her to start watching. If you won't give it a chance because you have some pre-conceived notion of soapy teen dramas based on its predecessors and cheap copycats, then you can just hopscotch straight to hell. This show kicks ass, and it is never better than its annual Chrismukkuh-themed episode. Even if you only watch those four episodes, you will be convinced that I am right. Best line: "Jesus and Moses. They both had beards." (Sung to Death Cab's A Lack of Color).

Of course, this early celebration to beat the rush may end up backfiring. I'll have to start my festivities earlier and earlier every year, until I start celebrating Christmas 2025 the day after Christmas 2024 which defeats the whole purpose of my experiment. But for now, I feel good about this decision.

Yankee Trade, Jungle Style

I'm up far too early on Christmas morning, just like the old days. So instead of playing Upwords with my mom to kill time (a 4am Christmas tradition for a few years, because Upwords is so much cooler than Scrabble), I'm going to catch up on blogging. I've been a bit MIA recently, due to the new job (where I was promoted to Santa and pushed around a shopping cart full of UPS and FedEx packages wearing a Santa hat, instead of just logging and organizing the boxes like a lowly elf) and generally being lazy pants.

The other, less jolly reason is that my grandfather just passed away a few days ago. The only upside to lung cancer is that you get time to say goodbye. So my (sometimes) lovable curmudgeon of a grandpa got to go to Disneyland one last time (and gleefully rode the carousel over and over), eat pralines and cream ice cream, and make sure all of his guns were safely out of the house (retired cop, not a psychopath). Everyone has just been exhausted and emotionally drained, but Christmas comes despite heavy life events, so our family will celebrate the only way we know how: viciously and without mercy.

The grand Christmas Eve shindig takes place at our house with all my bazillion aunts and cousins, and various other family members. We have many traditions, like reading the nativity story from the Bible (even though most of us are agnostic/atheist), reciting the "Night Before Christmas," eating Aunt Carole's world-rocking bean dip, and torturing the grandkids by making them sing Christmas carols. My mom will seriously look over from the piano at anyone not singing and give them the elementary school teacher glare until they submit to a third verse of "Oh Come All Ye Faithful." It's awesome. And it's all worth it because the main event of the evening is... YANKEE TRADE!!!!

Yankee trade is known by many names (according to Wikipedia), White Elephant, Chinese Gift Exchange, Dirty Santa (sounds like a porn...), or Thieving Secret Santa. Basically, everyone brings a present, and then you take turns opening them. But if you don't like what you got, you get to steal someone else's. And it. gets. ugly. Every year we argue over what the rules are going to be, should there be a limit to how many times a gift can be stolen, do you open the gift before deciding to trade, if the gift bag is pretty who gets to keep it. And every year we decide on the most ruthless rules. Basically that there are none. Except eye-gouging. No eye-gouging. Gifts range from the silly (I once put in a romance novel called "Desiring the Highlander," tee hee, and last night my cousin submitted Tater Mitts, which also sounds dirty but are those gloves that can peel potatoes in 6 seconds), to the actually awesome (See's candy, the Ellen Degeneres Bluetooth that I won, and more).

My family is hilarious when they play Yankee Trade, because there are always tons of people, everyone's shouting and laughing and arguing but in a pleasant way. My grandpa was exceptionally funny when we played in years past. He did not like having people steal his crap, and to try it meant certain death or at least a good berating. (Imagine trying to take anything from a guy who strongly resembles Marlon Brando circa the Godfather). I used to get just as upset and cry if someone took my gift, so I don't blame him. When I was about 6 or 7, I threw a fit when a cousin tried to steal my minature lantern key chain and gumballs. I still have that key chain to this day, so you can tell who won that battle. This year I ended up with an adorable penguin mug and a beautiful glass pitcher.

After the madness, the jungle mentality wears off and people are nice (sort of) to each other again. Deals are made, candy is shared, and everyone eats my mom's homemade cheesecake. People gradually clear out, since according to Carole, Santa won't come if you're not in bed by midnight. We take that pretty seriously around these parts. When it's just the immediate family, we get to open one gift, usually our Secret Santa present to each other. Then it's off to bed to sleep off the Bailey's and boxed White Zin (classy folk).

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Should be interesting with five kids under the age of five tearing around the house high on sugar and consumerism...

Santa Ellen

This year has been generally pretty awful. But Santa made up for it in a big way by making the last couple weeks be absolutely incredible! This year Santa took the form of a Louisiana lesbian comedian and talk show host, Ellen Degeneres (and also a creepy dancing Elvis elf with an oversized head for some reason, I tried to find a picture, but Google was too scared to post one). Yesterday was the grand return of me and Kelly Bean to Warner Brothers to watch the taping of the Ellen Degeneres Show (since we technically didn't get to last time). I could hardly sleep the night before. It was like Christmas Eve on crack, since my normal Christmas doesn't involve celebrities and an overload of expensive gifts.

Nothing to do with Christmas, but I would have killed to see this episode.

I'll skip right to the show, since we got in the studio with absolutely no drama whatsoever. It felt soooo good to finally be in the crowd, jumping around, dancing, screaming, cheering, and bruising our hands from clapping so hard. Before, we could only hear the fun of the pre-show dance contest (during which two complete strangers who were no spring chickens got DOWN, and by down I mean they basically did the nasty to the beat of "Baby Got Back.") It was awkward and hilarious, my two favorite things. When Ellen came out for her monologue, she remarked about our inherent need to present and shake our booties whenever the occasion arises. She even had her editors compile a monologue of rump-shaking to that effect. Good times.

Then Marky Mark came out (for he will always be Marky Mark to me and the Bean). I'm not an especially big fan, but when I saw those especially big guns he was packing (after having worked out for basically 4 years straight for his role in the Fighter), I couldn't take my eyes off of the point where his Pabst Blue Ribbon t-shirt ended (classy guy), and the biceps began. He wasn't terribly interesting to listen to, and he's a bit of a butterface, but day-amn. He can send good vibrations my way anytime. I don't even remember what he talked about, I was too busy drooling.

Sorry Marky Mark. That's what you get.

Next was a performance by Ciara. Yawn. Totally generic, less than mediocre, poison for my ears song, but the dancing was phenomenal. Usually I don't really care about that kind of thing, but this was stellar showmanship. Sad that it couldn't be for a more talented singer or more worthy song. (We were stuck with the CD afterwards, sigh.) We also got a sneak peek at Grayson Chance (the 12 year old Youtube sensation Ellen discovered)'s new video. He's playing a bland pop song in the rain, on a piano surrounded by a crowed of throbbing, cult-like girls. He's 12! Plus they autotuned the crap out of his amazing voice. Trying to Bieberize him? Not cool, Ellen's record label. Not cool.

The second guest was Olivia Wilde, who most people recognize from House or the new Tron (I hated the first, so I definitely won't be seeing the second), but I will always think of as the badass girlfriend of both Seth and Marissa on the O.C.. I didn't like her then and I didn't think I'd like her now. She has kind of an evil beauty about her, as if in ten years she'd make an excellent wicked step-mother. She reminds me of Voldemort, if Voldemort were an adequately hot chick. Anyway, I was determined not to like her. But she won me over! Who knew she was actually quite charming and adorable beneath her icy cold, pointy-featured exterior? Or else she's a better actress than she seems and she really is a demon...

She's still a demon, even if she is surprisingly likable.

Speaking of demons, I heard the phrase "Ellen feeds off your energy" at least twice more. It's definitely a thing. Ellen claims that she takes that positive energy and sends it back out into the universe, but I think she keeps most of it for herself to stay young and kickass. Just a theory. I don't blame her. I'd do the same if I were a demon.

But enough about the show, y'all just want to hear about the presents!!! For many presents there were! It was crazy, I had kind of forgotten about them. I was totally into the show, though if I had been watching it on TV, I probably would have changed the channel early on. All of a sudden this alarm went off and everyone was jumping up and screaming! I thought it was because that creepy Elvis elf thing came out and started skipping around. But no, PRESENTS!!

Here is what we won:

1. Amazon Kindle

2. Tomtom GPS

3. Fancy Schmancy Bluetooth

4. Camcorder

5. Calphalon Waffle Maker (I'm told it's a good brand)

6. $500 worth of Calphalon pots and pans

7. $100 gift card to the Amazon Denim store

8. Unbearable Lightness by Porti Di Rossi

9. Rock Band 3 Game + Keyboard

10. PS3 with Move

11. Oh, and Ciara's CD (anticlimax)

Isn't my display attractive? I think I could work as a window dresser. I could dress the shit out of windows. Anyway, AMAZING, right? The thing I was most ecstatic about was the GPS. As you all know, I get lost all the frickin' time. I'm a mess in the car. I freak out about the littlest thing and I have absolutely no sense of direction. But I used this handy little gadget today as I had to drive from South Central to Marina Del Rey to Studio City to South Central, and I didn't get lost once! Plus it took me on back roads so I'd miss most traffic. SCORE!! My second cousin and Kelly Bean's mom saw us on today's broadcast and apparently they caught the moment where we high-fived because I wanted that GPS soooo badly!! So sorry, no more hilarious Hutch getting lost stories! Also, I named it Hudson, because Stan's true persona matches that of Stanley Hudson on the office. So Hudson is now Stan's sidekick.

The Kindle I was also excited about. I have such ADD when it comes to books and I'm always reading like 30 at a time. I like options, so it's nice to always have it on me in case I get stuck waiting somewhere like I did this morning and I could just plop right into the Secret Garden. I don't like that you have to pay for books, but there's tons of free public domain stuff that I'd be reading anyway, and libraries have some ebooks you can check out for free too. So sweet!

I already sold the pots, pans, and the waffle maker to a friend who will actually give them a good home. In my tiny kitchen, they'd end up feeling lonely and neglected, never to reach their full potential. I'm also most likely selling the PS3 and Rock Band. It would be fun, but I honestly don't think I'd use it that much. I have my Wii, so anything else is kind of redundant. I'm not a gamer whatsoever, but I like that the Wii has real games like tennis and basketball, not video games which don't interest me. So if anyone is interested, make me an offer! But I won't ship.

Sorry about the product placement, but I'm just super stoked about all this loot! We managed to wrangle a Subaru with folding back seats, so we could take everything home. All that times two definitely wouldn't have fit in Stan. Also in case you were wondering, my first day work went fantastic today. I'm not technically allowed to blog about it (apparently I work for the CIA or something), but I will say that I scored a catered Persian lunch, free Starbucks, and delicious cake. Apparently I love Persian food. Who knew?

I should be turned on, but this is really just unsettling.

Do his abs seem wonky to you? Also, he looks plastic. Yeeech.

UPDATE!!! Oh my god, I totally forgot to mention Slater! I knew I should have taken notes. So yeah, after the show was over, they told us they needed to film a segment for Extra. So Mario Lopez came out! Huzzah! I was super excited, having been a HUGE Saved By the Bell fan back in the day (and to this day if truth be told). Though my heart belonged to Zack, I wouldn't have said no to Slater. But throughout the course of Slater's interview, he became creepier and creepier. He has this perfect, blindingly white smile that doesn't reach his dead eyes. And even though he talked about his wife and new baby daughter, Kelly Bean and I agreed that there's no way he's straight. It's ok, Slater. We'll still love you if you love yourself enough to admit the truth. So yeah. Woo!