Tampons in the Zombie Apocolypse

Let the record show that the only reason I'm writing this is because my brother David says I can't legitimately open up my bottle of fancy champagne until I write something worth celebrating. And homegirl needs some wine stat. I actually meant to write this weeks ago and just never got around to it. Like I never get around to most things... So here goes.

This blog is dedicated to that bottle of champagne,
which I will be drinking shortly
to celebrate my return to blogging.
Don't ask about the bananas and bare chest.
Long story.

Anyone else here tired of zombies? I know that I am. They're gross and boring, despite the few movies and television series that attempt to prove otherwise. (Warm Bodies is the exception. And the Shit.) In any case, zombies are a good demonstration of the philosophy that you just never know. And that it doesn't hurt to be prepared.

So freaking adorable. Though I would not tap that.

I started thinking about zombies a few weeks ago after LA was plagued by a rash of earthquakes. I was sitting at home by myself, when I felt a single jolt. My first conclusion? Some drunk ass ran their car into the building (much like I did when I was 16 and was backing out of the driveway by myself for the first time. True story. Though alcohol wasn't involved). But being too exhausted to investigate, I let it go. Maybe 45 minutes later, I felt The Big One. (At least the Biggest One I've Ever Felt. Tee hee, that's what she said...). I jumped out of my comfy chair and stood in a doorway. I was ok in the moment, but as soon as it was over, I instinctually called my mommy. When the call wouldn't connect, presumably because the circuits were jammed and you're not supposed to use your cell after an emergency, I started having a panic attack. I full on hyperventilated, even after reaching my half-asleep mother. As the on-site representative of the property management, I probably should have ventured forth to check on the welfare of my residents. But… rum happened instead. I would have been no good to them anyway with my nerves frazzled to hell.

Pictured: My worst nightmare

Lots of people on Facebook were making fun of those of us who collectively lost our shit, even though nothing really of consquence happened. While I am a native Californian and this was not my first rodeo, earthquakes are my biggest fear. Really, all natural disasters. But earthquakes specifically because of my geographical context and the complete and utter lack of warning. Chances are, if a zombie apocolypse hits, there's gonna be some kind of notice sent out.

The next 24 hours after the Big One, I felt 5 aftershocks. The earth refused to sit still and let me walk all over it. By the last one, I ceased to be panicked and breathless, and started being annoyed. The best way for me to deal with my anxiety over feeling helpless is to switch into project mode. I decided to finally put together my earthquake/tsunami/zombie apocolypse kit that I promised my dad I would make when I first moved down to Southern California in August of 2005.

Girl Scouts Prepare
Me: Before, Me: After. Pigtails and everything.

It's weird to think about what kind of things may come in handy in an emergency situation. Of course, I packed the usual: first aid supplies, bottled water, the combination flashlight/radio/phone charger/siren I bought on a whim during an ill-advised late night Walmart excursion. Then I started looking around at the random stuff I have around my apartment that I ended up stuffing in the ugly, hand-sewn tote bag I made as part of a mother-daughter Mormon activity night.

Yep. I made that bag. With my own two 12 year old hands.
And you never know when you're gonna need a bullhorn.

1. A floral hammer with Russian doll nesting screwdrivers in the handle. An unironic gift from my amazing, late grandmother. I know that she would want me to be prepared in case things get primitive and I have to construct myself some kind of shelter. And still be fabulous at the same time.

2. Playing cards, because I assume waiting for help to arrive will get pretty boring without electricity.

3. Garfunkel & Oates lighters, which I got an inexplicably large amount of after a concert at Upright Citizens Brigade. I don't smoke, but I don't like to throw away potentially useful things. Plus, Garfunkel & Oates would be amazing survival buddies.

What's your zombie apocalypse book?
Chances are it's a hell of a lot different than your desert island book.

4. "God Bless You Mr. Rosewater" by Kurt Vonnegut. I've never read it, but I bought it at a library book sale for a quarter a few years ago and never got around to it. (Notice a pattern here?) I think Vonnegut is a good choice for zombie apocolypse literature though.

5. A change of clothes: old athletic pants that probably no longer fit, my bright yellow 'P' t-shirt from high school (Go Hillmen!), socks, and some granny panties. Because no one is gonna care what kind of underwear you're wearing at the end of the world. But they do care about school spirit.

Sadly, I couldn't find a picture of the legendary P shirt.
Do they even still make them?

6. Non-perishable food items: all I had was ramen, Costco tuna, and a can of nonfat refried beans for which I purchased a cheap can opener.

7. Toilet paper.

8. Notebook and pens. In case I get the urge to pen the great Post-Apocalyptic American novel.

Fun fact, in the original screenplay, Julia Roberts was supposed to be snorting crack, not flossing.
But that would have made a less peppy survival tip.

9. Various personal hygiene accoutrements. Because as Julia Roberts tells us in Pretty Woman, "You shouldn't neglect your gums." Not even after a major disaster. Seriously, dentists may be in short supply.

Guts & Glitter
I found a happy face made out of tampons. My life is now complete.

10. Tampons. Because your period may not be able to wait for FEMA.

After I was done with my kit, I felt an enormous sense of accomplishment. I took control over my destiny. And the universe will get no pleasure from fucking with me now that I'm prepared. And my dad couldn't be prouder. Unless I had fashioned the whole kit from duct tape.

PS. I think my kit needs a kazoo. And I just so happen to have a Garfunkel & Oates kazoo. Everyone is gonna wanna be my survival buddy now!

Prison Bound Playlist

I started writing this post when it was still relevant because I was in the throws of a gripping jury duty assignment. Two weeks later, I've decided to finish it because I didn't want to waste a good list. Feel free to download these songs and rock out whilst deciding a man's fate. Or just walking down the street, whatever.

So far my courthouse experience has been a tremendously fascinating bore (yes, it's possible). So to amuse myself, as I often do, I have created a playlist to make jury duty just a little bit more festive. I will leave out some of the songs just because I'm slightly embarassed that they exist on my iPod, let alone purposefully selected them to listen to whilst traveling to, from, or killing time in between sessions. Some are right on the nose, others are more metaphorical, and some just fit the mood of being trapped in a room with complete strangers who only have in common a random civic obligation.

Yep. Hot.

1. "Prison Bound" by Social Distortion
The namesake of the compilation. Mike Ness makes prison almost sound sexy. Which from what I understand, it most certainly is not.

2. "Police on My Back" by The Clash

This always makes me think of 80s youth causing mayhem and frolicking through the streets of London, being chased by ineffectual British Bobbies.

This is what happens when you google "British Bobbies."
Doesn't exactly inspire fear of authority. Just giggles.

3. "Policy of Truth" by Depeche Mode

We discussed at length whether witnesses can be trusted to tell the truth or not. The result of that debate was that we would hope so, but people lie all the time. Whether lying under oath on penalty of perjury, or lying to themselves about what they want to have seen. Truth is so subjective, it's scary.

4. "Two Points for Honesty" by Guster

Along those same lines, I have to respect a witness admits something that portrays themselves in a less than positive light. This song also keeps popping up randomly on my shuffle and I always forget how pretty it is.

Oh Kingston Trio. With your sweet harmonies and matching shirts. 

5. In the Jailhouse Now by The Kingston Trio

My dad used to listen to this old school folk group all the time when I was growing up. It’s also on the O Brother Where Art Thou soundtrack, but there’s far too much yodeling in that one.

6. "Criminal" by Fiona Apple

So. Messed. Up. And yet so good. I'm not a Fiona Apple fan, (I just want to slap her in the face with a two-foot hoagie of pretentiousness) but you can deny how brilliant this song is. It's also hot in a confusing and wrong way.

Epic.

7. Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash

You knew this was coming. Johnny Cash also makes prison sound awesome.

8. "My Bad Reputation" by Joan Jett

Yes, this song is way over-played, even to this day. But whatever, it kicks ass.

9. "My Bloody Valentine" by Good Charlotte

Just a tad embarrassing, but Goof Charlotte was my jam junior and senior year of high school. So earnest yet disturbing. I remember singing this at the top of my lungs while driving Stan home. RIP Stan.

Florence is just so damn ethereal. I'm not entirely convinced she's human.

10. "My Boy Builds Coffins" by Florence and the Machine

Every so often I will hear a song from Flo that I never noticed before and it never fails to change my life. Ok, total exaggeration. But she is phenomenal. And this song makes you think about mortality all philosophical-like. (Also can you tell I chose the last three songs by going in alphabetical order down my iPod?)

11. "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake

This may seem like an odd choice, but I was getting so sick of my peers going through selection who spouted all these sob stories to get out of jury duty. There was a pregnant full-time student who mentioned she had to reschedule a midterm to be there, and I didn't hear her complaining. Suck it up guys!

I dig this. I think I need a life-sized version in my foyer to discourage any
would-be wrong-doers.

12. If It Hadn't Been for Love by Adele

I've never heard anyone talk about this song. It gets overshadowed by Adele's numerous monster hits. But this broken down, badass blues burner gets to me. I think I was a scorned woman in another life.

13. Hard Knock Life by Jay-Z

Jay-Z is not my usual cup o’ musical tea, but I’ve always gotten a kick out of sampling show tunes from a musical about a little ginger girl for a supposed ghetto anthem. I heard he’s also doing the music for a reboot of Annie. This should be interesting.

Makes me laugh every time.

14. Janey's Got a Gun by Aerosmith

Aerosmith takes me back to my childhood as well. I don’t think I really understood this song back in the day though. Guess that’s a good thing. High five for Janey though.

15. It's Too Late to Apologize by One Republic

Hehe, get it?

Panic! At the Disco. Douuuuucches.
Yes, it's possible to hate the band yet love their music. 

16. Build God, Then We'll Talk by Panic! At the Disco

Catchy and kind of gross. Makes you want to dance, then take a shower. I was obsessed with this song when I lived in France and was dating the French Creeper. If this song reminds you of your significant other for some reason, you really need to end it.

17. Tha Crossroads by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony

I don’t know why I picked this one, but I dig it. It's like a peaceful resolution. Even if the name of the group pisses me off for grammatical reasons.

Marcy Playground. So. Much. Angst.

18. Sex and Candy by Marcy Playground

Another weirdly sexy, sinister song that makes you want to shower after. I loved this vestige of 90s angst.

19. I Hung My Head by Johnny Cash

This song is uber-depressing and dark, and gives me the chills every time I hear it. God bless Johnny Cash, man.

Cage the Elephant has a wicked sense of humor.

20. Ain't No Rest For the Wicked by Cage the Elephant.

One of the best hooks as well as awesome tongue-in-cheek lyrics. Just listening to it makes me feel like a badass.

21. I'm a Man of Constant Sorrow from the O Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack

If you don’t love this song, then there’s something wrong with you. That’s just the truth.

Love it.

I'm listening to it now, kind of dark, bluesy, rebellious and yet self-righteous. Not a bad mix for the days you find yourself tagged with a number, a badge, and a week off from the real world. A world where frozen chicken doesn't determine your verdict. (I hope...)

Oh, and by the way, he was guilty. And kind of an asshole.

Also, the District Attorney looked exactly like B.D. Wong. And there's not a damn thing wrong with that.

Playing Ketchup Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

As promised, here is the sequel to Playing Ketchup Part 1. Things get a lot cheerier in 2013. I decided to follow through on my recurring New Year's resolution to do more awesome things. So far, I think I've been doing alright. Here is a list of the cool stuff I've done:

1. I stayed in a hostel when I was in San Francisco visiting Eric. Even though I was only there for one night and I spent most of that night throwing up, it was still cool to harken back to my backpacking days. The tiny dorm rooms, the familiar silver Ikea bunk beds, meeting cool people from other countries (my roommates were from France and Germany), and the cute guy at reception with the adorable accent. I never get to travel for real anymore now that I'm broke and have a grownup job. Even though San Francisco was only a few hours away from my hometown and I had been there several times growing up, it still felt like a vacation.

That's my girl, killin' it!

2. I got to see my homegirl Kelly Bean in a creative re-imagining of Twelfth Night set in the Golden Age of Hollywood. Needless to say, she NAILED it! This was another mini-vacation all the way in Camarillo. Our best friend Jenna also came down from NorCal for the event. We needed a girls' night something fierce and celebrated afterwards with wine, cheese, and other delicious treats. We also watched "She's the Man," since you know, Twelfth Night. And if you haven't seen it, it's pretty frickin' epic. Tragic what happened to Amanda Bynes, isn't it?

3. I re-enacted the Ferris Wheel scene from Season One of "The OC" at the Santa Monica Pier. Check that one off the bucket list. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't even worry about it.

Damn good chicken and damn good waffles. Still not sure they go together.

4. I finally explored Downtown LA. I had never seen the Library, ridden the Angel's Flight trolley, hung out at the swanky Bonaventure Hotel (with the terrifying glass elevators!), explored California Plaza, and walked down Olvera Street. I also took the time to really check out Union Station and not just rush to and from the Gold and Red metro lines. I've always found it sad that if a place isn't on my way to work or not an Irish pub, I probably don't know it exists. Sidebar, I also finally went to Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, another LA landmark.

Swoon!

5. SOCIAL DISTORTION!!!! AAAAH!!! I saw them once in college at the Disneyland House of Blues. And that was the last concert I had been to. Until I saw them again at the House of Blues on the Sunset Strip (Which is another area I've hardly ever been to even though I've lived in LA for years). I don't care if Mike Ness is as older than dirt and shorter than I am. I would do awful things with that man. Especially in his Machine Gun Blues gangster getup... We were about five feet from the stage which was super awesome except we were right in front of the mosh pit. I got kicked in the head by a crowd surfer, had at least six drinks spilled on me, and spent most of the time being knocked over. Soooo worth it!

This was at the Eddie Izzard venue.
I don't know what it is but I find it simultaneously terrifying and hilarious.

6. Eddie Izzard. What what??

Toepick!

7. Anaheim Ducks vs. the Los Angeles Kings. Hockey is the world's greatest sport. It has everything I love. Canadians. Burly men. Violence. It's glorious. Plus I was a Ducks fan sitting in a major Kings section. Gotta love crosstown rivalry games. It was a good one too. We scored in like the first 10 seconds, and then it was back and forth until nearly the end when we stomped on them. There was an insulting mass exodus of Kings fans when they realized they couldn't win and left before it was even over. (Sidebar, I'm usually a Kings fan, but the Ducks will always be Mighty to me thanks to Disney). After the game, we went ice skating at the Ducks practice rink in Anaheim. It turns out that skating is hard and dangerous.

I also shot at a zombie I named Hank. Because I'm also awesome.

8. LA Gun Club. Best. Date. Ever. Me and the Fella (oh yeah, did I mention there was a Fella?) got to shoot a Beretta handgun at a surprisingly popular gun range in the scary part of downtown that has also known visitors such as Queen Latifah, Exhibit, and Ryan Gosling. I'm not a great shot, and it felt a little like being in a war with so many guns going off (I left a bit shellshocked), but it really is a fantastic feeling. Amazing stress release. I have no interest in owning my own gun, but in a controlled environment it's AWESOME.

It's even cooler inside!

9. I saw Noel Cowards "Fallen Angels" at the historic Pasadena Playhouse. Oh the witty banter and the hilarious drunk old British ladies brandishing umbrellas at each other. I literally live around the corner from this beautiful historic theater and I had never ever seen it. I was also going to see Jekyll and Hyde at the Pantages, but I was too sick to go. Boo.


10. After my dear friend (and the woman responsible for my gainful employment) Allison, had her going away party (at where else but our favorite karaoke dive bar, Gabe's), I got stranded at Union Station at 3:30 in the morning. I had read the metro timetable incorrectly and missed the last train. I decided just to take a taxi, since it would take at least a half hour for the fella to come rescue me. I ended up waiting even longer than that for the taxi to come pick me up until I realized that I was on the wrong side of the station and that there were five taxis standing by the whole time. And I had to work four hours after arriving home at last. While this seems like a bad thing, Union Station after hours is truly a magnificent thing to behold. I got hit on three times (I must have looked like a fairly expensive prostitute I guess, though I didn't think my outfit was revealing at all), saw two people without pants on, and witnessed what I'm pretty sure was a drug deal. Fascinating I might have to go back on purpose sometime just to observe.

Meet CJ, the classy, blind, anorexic business fish.

11.  I bought a fish and named her Claudia Jean after my favorite character on the West Wing. Sadly, she died the other day because I can't keep a fish alive to save my life. Which is too bad because I'm not a cat or a dog person and cage animals like hamsters and birds freak me out. That leaves fish. Which are the least commitment possible. Speaking of low commitment, seven-day Betta food blocks do not work. Ask your roommate to feed your fish if you need to leave town.

I have this admittedly cliche poster on my wall and I was so excited to see that there was a statue of it! I tried to get homeboy to recreate the pose with me, but he would have none of it. Even after being shamed by a random Midwestern lady. Men are useless sometimes.

12. Speaking of leaving town, after living in Southern California since 2005, I finally went to San Diego for the first time. The fella and I decided to get the hell outta dodge and go exploring down Mexico way. (Without actually going to Mexico because despite being of Mexican descent, he doesn't have a passport and wouldn't be allowed entrance). Since we're both poor, kind of lazy, and didn't bring proper walking shoes, our exploration was somewhat limited. But it was lovely to take a Bridget Jones mini-break regardless. The beauty of San Diego is that it's so close, we can always go back. There wasn't so much pressure to fit in as much sight-seeing as is humanly possible, which is the speed I'm used to when traveling. San Diego in March is also bloody cold at night, which I also didn't prepare for. But I scored a $90 white Burberry-esque pea coat for $46 in under five minutes, so I think I just won at shopping.

I think this lists covers most of the awesome/interesting events of late. Basically it's a compilation of status updates/tweets/iPhone photos to serve as a memoir for a much happier time than the previous crap-tastic era. Let's hope the streak continues! Next on my list of conquering Los Angeles is to finally go to a Dodger game (or any baseball game for that matter. I'm a bad American for never having been...)

Dawson's Creek Drinking Game

One of my less reputable hobbies, which tends to fit in nicely with my love of movies and television (and wine!), is inventing drinking games to make my favorite, or painfully terrible, viewing experiences much more interactive and enjoyable. So far, the most successful games have included: the Newsies, High School Musical (1 & 2!), Twilight, Gilmore Girls, Lost, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The rules have ranged from the obvious, the obscure, and the ridiculous.

Obligatory cast photo

Since I am currently still obsessed with my favorite teen drama that dates back to when I was barely even a pre-teen, it was only natural that I come up with rules to accompany "Dawson's Creek." If you find yourself bored on a Sunday night, drinking two dollar cabernet out of a Dollar Store wine glass, feel free to drink along!

1. Drink during the theme song in its entirety. Especially if you are still resentful that Netflix had to change it from Paula Cole's "I Don't Wanna Wait" to Jann Arden's "Run Like Mad" but find yourself singing along to the surprisingly catchy yet heartfelt upbeat tune.

2. Drink every time someone walks in on someone kissing someone that they probably shouldn't even though they just can't help themselves because the growing passion between them is so great that it will eventually overcome the trumped-up obstacles it faces.

So coy and mysterious. And slappable.

3. Drink every time Joey shrugs and/or talks out of the side of her mouth like a stroke victim. (WARNING! This may lead to alcohol poisoning)

4. Drink every time someone turns off a movie abruptly because it's just so damn frustrating that for a show obsessed with movies, they rarely actually finish one.

5. Double the drinks during a "Very Special Episode," such as when Jack comes out to his dad, or when Andie takes exctacy and nearly dies because it interacts with her antidepressants.

6. Drink every time they use a word that you don't understand or a reference you've never heard of. Because the actors probably didn't know what it meant either.

Wait for it...

7. Drink whenever a couple comes thisclose to having sex, but decides not to for whatever dumb reason, just so the writers can string out the anticipation and keep the audience's limited attention. Or to keep the moral majority happy. Whatever.

8. Drink when it's an episode that blatantly rips off the plot of a famous movie, disguised as a clever homage.

The bad girls club. Yes, I'm including Dawson in this.

9. Drink when a new Pot-Stirrer character is introduced (i.e. Abby, Drew, Busy Phillips)

10. Drink during any disaster such as: hurricane, storm at sea, fire, etc. that causes everyone to realize how important they are to each other and to get over their petty disputes.

Bodie, the only one with a good
head on his shoulders.
Seeing him is like seeing a magical ethnic unicorn : )

BONUS: Chug the entire time that Joey's sporadic, lone ethnic brother-in-law figure with the stupid name, Bodie, appears on screen.

There are many more, I'm sure. But I'm still in season 4 and they haven't left high school yet. Feel free to add to this list, or create your own drinking game! It's fun even if you aren't drinking alcohol!

Things That Make Me Happy

My life sucks right now for a multitude of reasons that I do not care to divulge. But I am taking a cue from my brilliant friend Jessica right now, and focusing on the things that make me happy.

1. Lists.

I think most of the posts on this blog are at least partially in list format. Lists help me make sense of things. There's some kind of weird satisfaction to be derived in taking inventory of things in an easily digestible format, and checking them off one by one. When I was a little girl I would make lists of my chores (which I would do completely willingly and with joy if I got a little index card to write them all down on). I even won an award for this slightly OCD behavior in my Sunday School class. Even when I'm miserable, writing a list of all the things that piss me off somehow makes me feel better.

Jesus bonding with my dad.
(This sentence is hilarious if you know
my vehemently atheistic father)

2. Jesus.

I don't mean your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. But Jesus, my family's dog back in Foresthill. My parents call him something else, but that's not his real name. I don't call my dog Jesus because I'm being sacrilegious or deliberately insulting (though I do admit to feeling a bit of mischevious glee due to this moniker). He is Jesus because he is kind, loyal, protective, and loves unconditionally. He can tell when I'm feeling sad and just his quiet presence is comforting.

3. Stan.

I know that Stan is an inanimate object. He can't really think, complain, or sympathize. But there have been many times that I have just sat in my car and felt like I wasn't alone. In a not-creepy kind of way. It's like being with an old friend who has been with me through so many ups and downs (some of which he actually caused), and is still trucking along.

It only comes around once in a blue moon.
Unless you go through a LOT of peanut butter I suppose.

4. Peanut Butter.

Specifically the first spoonful from a brand new jar of Skippy creamy peanut butter. Simple pleasures.

5. Being Employed.

I have had some rocky times with my career, though so far, the move to a new property in Pasadena has been amazing. I'm still adjusting, but at least I have a reason to get up and put on pants in the morning. A few years ago, pants were optional, and that was a very depressing state of mind. So I'm grateful to have a job.

I love it. Not ashamed one bit.
Even without the iconic theme song.

6. Netflix.

Netflix is my escape. I love being able to come home and lose myself in a ridiculously long marathon of whatever show I happen to be obsessed with at the time. Right now I'm knee-deep in Dawson's Creek, a show that I absolutely loved as a middle schooler, before I really understood half of what they were talking about. When you watch something is just as important as what you watch. And right now, it's so much easier to focus on the contrived problems of 30-year-old, narcissistic teenagers from a bygone era, than my own.

7. Cleaning.

While I am far from being a neat freak, there is something very cathartic about putting things back in order. When my apartment is cluttered, I feel like my brain is cluttered. Putting myself in project-mode, makes me feel productive and proactive, not useless and helpless. The best feeling of all is scrubbing my shower. While I keep things usually pretty tidy, this is one task that does not get done as often as it should. And it seems to happen mostly when there's been a big change in my life. Some girls get haircuts, I break out the Scrubbing Bubbles. There's some sort of symbolism there, but I don't feel like analyzing it right now.

The other side is pink, thus the name,
'Pretty Pink Blanket.'

8. My Pretty Pink Blanket.

Yes, I have a security blanket. I never really dragged it around with me like Linus in Peanuts, while sucking my thumb. But I still have the pink, floral bedspread with white lace around the edges that my mommy made me when I was probably around 6 or 7. It will always be the most warm, comfortable blanket ever. Even when it's too damn hot for a blanket, like right now, just seeing it draped over my crappy black futon makes me happy.

9. Taking a Walk.

I've been wallowing the past two days of my belated three-day weekend. I haven't really left the house other than to go to Sally Tomatoes practice, and 7-11 to buy some ill-advised Cookies & Cream. As important as that is for me to recharge, sometimes you just have to get out of the house. My favorite place to walk is down Magnolia in Burbank. There are a ton of cute little antique and vintage shops that I never actually go in, but love to pass by. I love just listening to my iPod, which always knows the right song to play, and figuring things out while shuffling along aimlessly.

10. Writing.

I don't really mean blogging, though that makes me happy too. Whenever I'm trying to deal with something, I open up a blank Word document and just start typing. It's amazing feeling to channel the crazed thoughts swirling around my chaotic brain into actual words. Writing the things I can't really tell anyone, and don't even like admitting to myself. It's the best therapy, and I highly recommend it. I also recommend securing the document with a password, because no one should ever have to read those manic, self-absorbed rants. (Though these blogs are only slightly less manic and self-absorbed...)

There are very few pictures of my entire family,
and even fewer that are easily pulled from other online sources.
I'm the little one inexplicably sitting in a car seat while not actually in a car.

11. My family.

Having a list of 11 items may seem like an odd number (get it? Odd? ba dum chhh!), and I guess this one kind of goes without saying. I also keep trying to think of a clever Spinal Tap reference that hasn't already been done, but just insert one here. Anyway, my family is amazing. They're all truly incredible people (except Nick. He's pretty dumb. Just kidding. He probably won't even read this) and even though they sometimes drive me nuts, I'm glad they're in my life. I include my friends in this category as well.

I'm including this one because my mom isn't in the one above.

Anyway, that's enough sap to fill an entire bottle of syrup. I need to get going on my cathartic cleaning rampage. That shower isn't going to scrub itself!

Even More Fishy Deal Breakers

This is a follow up to my list of deal breakers when it comes to just looking at profiles. Here are a few more that pertain to actual interaction with potential fish:

• Messages that just say, "Hi," or something similarly brief and generic. Say something that shows you actually read my profile. Because it's a good one. 

This is NOT me. I just wanted to prove that there is a conspiracy out there about how shaving your legs is not really a huge pain in the ass. I do it because I'm socially obligated, but I don't have to like it! Harrumph!

• Flakiness. I seem to run into this a lot. These guys like to hold off on confirming plans, frequently cancel them at the last minute, and come up with lame excuses as to why. (Sorry guys I've actually dated, you were just as guilty!) Then they try to set up something else and act like they didn't just leave you hanging an hour before you were supposed to meet when you took the trouble of shaving your legs and putting on makeup. For someone as low-maintenance as me, this is NOT OK.
• Late night and/or over-texting. If I make the decision to give out my phone number, which I do not do lightly, some guys text you a million times a day, sometimes multiple texts in a row without letting you respond, (especially bad since I don't have unlimited texting) and the worst offense of all, texting after 10pm on a weeknight. I'm sorry boys, I have to get my beauty sleep. Because I'm a monster if I get less than 8 hours of sleep. And a boy who texts you at 2am, most likely does not have honorable intentions on his mind.

What I feel like most of the time...

• Hot and cold. One minute, he's giving you the full court press and you have all the power, the next, you feel like "Josie Grossie at the Prom" (Shout-Out to my buddy Allison for that little gem). Dating shouldn't be this much of a game. If you're interested, be interested. If you're not, then just let it go. Be straightforward from the start.
• Inappropriateness. Nothing makes you feel less like a lady than a guy talking dirty to you when you haven't even met yet and just barely started getting to know each other. I'm sorry, but you have to earn that right with me, Sir. I have some dignity, after all! Whatever happened to romance and being woo'd (tee hee, that's another word I love, woo)? Just sayin'.
• Relationship status. This is related to the previous item. If you're really just looking for a hook-up, or an "intimate encounter" as the creepier pervs refer to it as (shudder), just be honest. Surely there's someone out there for you who is into that. Don't lie and say you want a relationship when you don't. No hard feelings.
• Breaking up via text message. Yep. That happened. Granted, I appreciated that it was a lot less awkward than doing it in person. But come on, at least give a girl a phone call!

 It's been an exhilarating and obnoxious experience, so I just had to share my observations on the subject. Anyone else have any weird deal breakers?

PS! I just thought of another one! I had a guy message me me first that I was actually really interested in (6'3'', lives relatively close to me, Jewish), but then he never got back to me! Hey, you made the first move buddy. How did I manage to alienate a guy before we've even met? 

Unexpected Dealbreakers

I may have mentioned recently that I am back on Plentyoffish, the online dating site for the poor, lazy, and uninspired. If you haven't heard the details already, basically the gist is that the Gentleman Caller got a job in the wild North and we had to go our separate ways : ( But, onward and upward I always say, like the baller that I am. That means going shopping for new man candies. It's been a while since I've been on POF, but it seems even more pathetic than the first couple times around. I guess it couldn't have been that bad, since I landed three very decent men from that giant and mostly questionable ocean over the course of about eight months.

Awww.

But man-shopping online is not unlike clothes-shopping online. You have to sift through a lot of crap to find something that you like, it's impossible to know what it's really like until you try it on, and it may not end up being that great of a deal after shipping and processing...wait I think I lost track of the analogy. Anyway, my brain has created some shortcuts to eliminate the unsuitable while clicking through the "Do You Want to Meet This Person?" Gallery. I've already written about how my standards for men are not that high. But this process has made me realize that while some of the guys I find myself attracted to are not prize stallions by any means, I do have some rather strange and specific deal breakers. I will list them now:

This rarely happens. And when it does, it's just creepy.

• Proximity. I refuse to commute longer than 30 minutes for a date. Even then, 30 is pushing it.
• Age. I originally had my search parameters set for men ages 21-35. Realistically, it's more like 24-30. It seems so arbitrary, and yet I find myself instantly clicking next if a guy just happens to fall outside of that range. 
• 420-Friendly. I'm in favor of legalization, don't get me wrong. In fact, it's one of the few political issues I actually care about. But marijuana smells gross and the few times I tried it back in the day, I hated the way it made my head feel like a helium balloon escaping my body. It's just not my jam, fellas. 
• Gym rats. I know I've become a gym rat lately (in fact, I just got back from the gym myself). And I find myself loving the way it makes me feel and how it gives me something to do when I'm bored. But if someone lists "going to the gym" or "working out" or god forbid, "working on my fitness" (true story) as one of their hobbies, that's a NOPE! To me, it seems so vain and pointless to spend hours upon hours at the gym, either scamming on chicks or overcompensating for a small penis with large biceps. It also seems like the guy version of saying, "I'm desperate!" And yet it seems to be one of the most prevailing trends on POF.

Bums. Me. Out.

• Pictures with iPhones taken in the bathroom. This often goes hand in hand with the previous offense. It just bums me out. Especially if they're posing with their shirt off or lifted or showing off the aforementioned biceps.
• UFC Fans. They usually go hand in hand in hand with Gym rats and bathroom photo-takers. To me, that just screams DOUCHE ALERT!!!
• Pictures with other people, especially girls and/or children. Sure, every guy says the girl in the photo is just a sister or a friend. BS. At least have the decency to crop her out. And if it's a picture of you and your buddies, crop them out too so I know which one you are! And even if the kid is your niece or nephew, they have no business being on POF.
• Bad spelling or grammar. This is the biggest one behind proximity. I'm sorry, but it's an instant turn-off if you use 'u' instead of 'you' or write poorly spelled words in all caps and/or refuse to use the correct punctuation marks or any at all. I know this makes me sound like a grammar nazi school teacher, but this is important to me. It just shows that you're either lazy and/or an idiot. And I'm interested in neither.

Nope.

• Religion. I guess this isn't an instant deal breaker, but one of the first stats POF lists is a person's religion. And I just could never be with a Jesus Freak or the equivalent in another faith. It's a sensitive subject for me.  I'd hate to be with someone who couldn't share that passion with me at best, or at worst would always try to convert me. And that's not fair to either of us. 
• Height. To be honest, a guy has to be over 5'10'' to date me. And every inch over 6' gets major points. Super stupid and unfair, I know, just like the age thing. But I never claimed this list was especially rational.
• Country music. It is a well-documented fact that I HATE country music and could never understand someone who liked it. (Though to be honest, I did break this cardinal rule for the Gentleman Caller. He also had a white truck, which I swore to myself I would never the owner of a white truck. Fail, Hutch. Fail.)

There's actually a lot more, but I think I'll stop here. Eleven is a nice non-round number. I actually made a whole other list of pet peeves that occur whilst you're interacting with another fish. But that deserved its own blog.

Words You Should Use More

As a writer (sort of), I'm obviously a big fan of words. Which is why I firmly believe that we should all be expanding our vocabulary and using every conversation, status update, even tweet, as an excuse to employ a variety of awesome words. In that spirit, I've compiled a list of words that never fail to make me smile. Try and use them in a sentence today, just to humor me.

This picture is very literal. 

• Hooch
• Noun. Meaning booze. It invokes the idea of an old-timey speakeasy like the kind I recently discovered in Varnish in Downtown LA. And for some reason, when I'm having a bad day and really need a drink, calling it hooch makes it that much more satisfying.
• Shenanigans and/or Tomfoolery
• Noun. Meaning silly antics. It makes me think of good times with good friends doing stupid stuff.
• Fisticuffs
• Noun. Meaning a fight. I picture a couple of dandies slapping each other with designer gloves and that image is just priceless.

Fabulous.

• Dandy
• Adjective. Meaning great. Also, as a noun, "a man who affects extreme elegance in clothes and manners; a fop." I also like fop. Basically I think of Oscar Wilde and he totally would have been my gay best friend had we been contemporaries. We also have the same birthday which can't be a coincidence.
• Bitchin'
• Adjective. Meaning awesome. I know it's outdated, but slang words are cyclical. I think this one is ripe for a comeback. I also like that it's such a delightful, positive notion and yet it contains a swear word.
• Jaunty
• Adjective. Meaning...well I'm not sure what the exact definition is. I just know it when I see it. Basically I think of Clark Gable and other men who wear fedoras at a rakish angle. Ok, just googled it and it means "Having a buoyant or self-confident air, or crisp and dapper in appearance." Nice.
• Impervious
• Adjective. Meaning bulletproof. Well, not literally. But even saying the word makes me feel powerful. I'm a just a loon like that.

Such glorious disdain.

• Aces
• Exclamation. Meaning "that's good," but mostly sarcastically. I love this because John Hughes wrote it, and Molly Ringwald said it in Sixteen Candles. And when you're really pissed off, and someone is trying in vain to cheer you up, this is such a great comeback.
• Dig
• Verb, as in "I dig that." Meaning "I enjoy that."Also a slang term that has since faded into relative oblivion. But it's making a comeback, if I have anything to say about it.
• Loathe
• Verb. Meaning hate. If hate is such an ugly word, loathe is a lot more dignified and elegant. It also feels so much more sincere. You have to really hate something to use the word loathe.
• Grand
• Adjective. Also meaning great. Whenever someone asks me how I am, I refuse to say fine or great. I try to use a different response every time. I also like magnificent, tremendous, and phenomenal. It tends to catch people off guard and make you appear very winsome and adorable. Which I am.
• Indomitable
• Adjective. Meaning "impossible to subdue or defeat." This is another empowering word. Especially when combined in the phrase "indomitable will." It makes you feel like you are stronger than anything that comes your way.

His face is priceless here.

• Inconceivable
• Adjective. Meaning unbelievable. I love this almost exclusively because of the Princess Bride. "You keep on using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
• Hootenanny and/or Shindig
• Noun. Meaning a gathering of sorts. You know you're going to have a good time if you're going not to a soiree, which sounds really boring, but a good ol' fashioned hootenanny!

At first I was having a hard time coming up with more than like eight, but then they just started pouring out of my brain. I'm cutting myself off in order to avoid sounding like a rip-off of Urban Dictionary. But I will open this up to anyone who wishes to submit their own spectacular verbiage. (Oooh, two more great words!)