An Exercise in Sublimation

I went to Target just now to buy a yoga mat. It was on sale for $12. Somehow, I managed to spend over $200. I was feeling reckless and impulsive. When I get like this, it manifests in either of the following two ways: A) Eating too much of something that's bad for me; or B) Spending way too much on stuff I don't really need and can't really afford. Check and check. Not to generalize for over half the world's population, but I think these are pretty typical female coping mechanisms. These past few months at work have been inconceivably stressful (I know, what else is knew, but for reals, it was bad), and there's some stuff in my personal life that's just a tad effed up as well.

Strange, my yoga mat didn't come with a pretty flcwer...

FALSE ADVERTISING!!!

This was a recipe for disaster that almost cost me all the amazing progress I have been making with my healthy lifestyle changes. I gained back six of the seventy-six pounds I had lost, on top of reverting to some of my old compulsive over-eating habits. There's nothing worse than feeling out of control. Especially when you can undo six weeks of hard work and weight loss with three days of poor decisions. I let myself wallow in misery for a whole weekend. Sometimes you just have to. But then last Monday, I got over it. I did laundry, scrubbed my whole apartment (including the shower which I confess had not been cleaned in... let's just say a while), and paid bills. There's something to be said for a cathartic cleaning and organizing purge to reset yourself and gain new perspective.

I'm the life of the self-pity party!

Monday was also the first day I started going to the Burbank Athletic Center. They had a free three-day trial, so I figured I should check out the mythical place known as the "Gym." I'd never really gone to a regular gym before. I was always in sports as a kid, then I went to Curves a few years in high school (apparently they donate to some uber-conservative causes, so boycott them if you can). In college, there was a free state-of-the-art gym that supposedly Kobe Bryant used to work out at, but it was too far to walk to and I didn't have a car. After college, I was too poor to afford a real gym, so I would just go running around the 'hood. But you couldn't do that after dark at the risk of being murder-raped. Then I created this workout, but it wasn't terribly effective. I've been running here in NoHo since about September, but the repetitive motion and hard impact from the concrete really messed with my hip. It was terrifying to me to think that I might not be able to exercise for physical, not psychological reasons for the first time. But perhaps working out on commercial quality machines would fix my joint problems.

Fuck this dude. He makes me vomit.

I wouldn't want to work out at his gym anyway.

It turns out, I frickin' LOVE the gym!!! I can't believe I didn't discover this earlier! Think of how much weight and weight-related aggravation it would have saved if I'd have known that endorphins aren't just a conspiracy designed to get us off our sizable butts in pursuit of naturally occurring uppers. They really do rock, who knew? I always thought gyms were expensive, at least $40-50 bucks a month, but the BAC is actually super cheap at around $10. Even my broke-ass can afford that. I've gone every day for the past week and I look forward to it every time. If you know me at all, you know how crazy that is. They have pretty cheap yoga classes too, which I impulsively signed up for just now to try it. I'm going at 9am tomorrow, so we'll see if I'm just as jazzed on yoga as I am about cardio and strength-training. (I'm assuming Wii Yoga really isn't the same.)

Clearly I can't be trusted with a credit card when I'm emotional.

This initial impulse-buy led to the afore-mentioned yoga mat purchase. Which was accompanied by yoga pants, yoga capris, new sports bras, brightly-colored sweat towels, multi-vitamins, and a bunch of other stuff to get me excited about this new phase in my life. I think this is behavior I learned from my mother. If you're going to make a big change, it helps to buy new stuff to get you mentally prepared. Even though I probably could have made due with the million sports bras and workout clothes I already have, I needed to do this. I will probably regret it when I get my Target card bill, but for now, I'm just stoked to see what all the fuss is about. And it feels good to finally have some control again. Well, I'm still eating too many things I shouldn't, but at least I'm overcompensating for my short-comings with excessive exercising. And it's a lot healthier to take out all my rage and frustrations on the Stairmaster than getting drunk or high or eating a whole tub of cookie dough.

Selective Eating Disorder

My brother just posted a link to an article about adults who are abnormally picky eaters, like most children. He basically refused to eat anything as a child, and as a result was freakishly skinny. We used to joke that we could basically see right through his rib cage to the other side. Something I have never and will never be teased for. Now he's discovered there's a name for his condition, Selective Eating Disorder (dun dun dun!). It sounds scary, but also made up. But as long as there's a term for something, it becomes legitimate.

Whilst reading the article, I discovered that I too have Selective Eating Disorder (in addition to Compulsive Overeating Disorder. In this case, God really did give with two hands. Bastard.) Only instead of avoiding spaghetti because it looks like brains, I eliminate whole food groups based on origin, seasonings/flavor, and basic principle. For someone who is obsessed with food as I am, I sure hate a lot of it.

1. 3 Billion Chinese people CAN be wrong.

And definitely are when it comes to their food. Yuck.

Here are the foods I refuse to eat:

1. Anything Asian (except dumplings and fortune cookies) Yes, this includes sushi. Disgusting in all categories of taste, texture, and principle.

2. Savory dishes with fruit in them (which is why the idea of orange chicken is appalling to me, and who puts raspberries in a non-fruit salad? Nutcases, that's who. And if you mention tomatoes, I may slap you.)

3. Foods with nuts in them (go ahead and giggle. I like nuts on their own, tee hee, but put them in ice cream, sweet potatoes, or anywhere else they don't belong and I get hulk-angry. They ruin the texture without adding any additional flavor and get stuck in your teeth.)

4. Soy sauce, teriyaki, wasabi, etc. (see #1. Please don't think I'm a food racist. I don't hate them because they're traditionally Asian. I hate them because they taste gross.)

5. Fried chicken, specifically KFC, makes me think of vomit. Because I vomited it up one time and it was not pretty. Same thing goes for Raisinettes. I'll never eat those again.

6. Indian food (counts as Asian technically, but all I think of is diarrhea. Sorry to stereotype, but once you put that image in my head, it's stuck like the opposite of diarrhea. Ew. Sorry for that image as well.)

7. Anything spicy, like authentic Mexican food. I have a hard time with even the mildest of salsas. I like bastardized Mexican, like Taco Bell, and Chevy's (if you've ever been to Northern California, Chevy's kicks ass). But real Mexican tends to be far too liberal with the peppers. I don't even dig bell peppers, man. So lay off the Tobasco and jalapeno.

8. Most seafood, especially crustaceans. Yick. I make exceptions for clam chowder (when placed in a bread bowl, this is ironically my favorite food, salmon, and tuna salad as long as there is no fruit in it)

9. Squash. Can't handle it. Not the texture, not the taste. And believe me, my mom has tried.

10. Butter and mayonnaise. I mentioned this before, but being able to visualize the amount of fat in something grosses me out. Doesn't stop me from eating high fat foods, but seeing globs of mayo on a sandwich, or the non-melted butter on toast makes me want to heave.

11. Sauerkraut, coleslaw, corned beef cabbage. Cabbage grosses me out. It reminds me of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (the good one), when all Charlie and his family have to eat is cabbage water. Sad. So I avoid cabbage for Charlie Bucket (another bumper sticker perhaps?)! Also, it's nasty and I think I may be allergic.

12. Non-chocolate candy. I still eat it sometimes, but if you're going to eat candy, why not eat the best? Plus high quantity doses of corn syrup give me hives. Not sexy.

Droooool! Now if only they would leave out the clams,

this would be the perfect food.

I'm sure there are more specific, random, and nonsensical foods I avoid. But I'll spare you for now. I am often asked, "So Hutch, what DO you eat?" And the answer is mainly bland noodles, breads, dairy, fruit. Cereal, bananas, bagels, and ice cream are a big part of my non-dieting diet (I love carbs more than life itself). Mostly because I'm lazy, but also because I've eliminated the aforementioned food groups. As the man in the article said, I wish I was a more adventurous eater. I've traveled to many different countries and basically lived off of salami sandwiches I made myself from the grocery store (this was primarily for financial reasons, but also because I'm so picky). If I'm in a group and they all want to go to a chinese restaurant, I may protest, but I'll go. I'll drink water and steal fortune cookies, or make due with dumplings (telling myself they're just like sauceless ravioli, because I LOVE Italian food).

Maybe someday I'll overcome this dreadful, life-altering disorder. But in the meantime, I'll happily gorge on cheez-its, hot pockets, and raumen (again for financial reasons, but I also kind of like it. And it's not really Asian), and scorn all of you for your varied and sophisticated palates.

UPDATE: Said brother (for I have many) just reminded me that I also hate beer. I tried so hard, sampling beers from every country in Europe, and I still can't stand it.