Why UPS is Dumb: The Sequel

It seems like every story I have starts and/or ends with me getting horribly horribly lost. This one is no exception. I finally decided to attempt the journey Downtown to pick up my mystery Amazon package (tee hee) from the UPS center. I left an hour early, and luckily didn't hit any serious traffic. I was making good time until I got off the freeway into the one-way wasteland that is Downtown Los Angeles. After turning around in a complete circle, and driving for a good mile or two without seeing my next turn, I was frustrated to tears. "It shouldn't be this difficult!" I screamed to myself more than once. Finally I decided, you know what, fuck it. I'll reimburse my friend for whatever she spent on the present and just do without. I got back on the 110 South and cried out, "Oh there it is!"-Me. So I got back off the freeway and found it no problem.

Don't be fooled. Satan lives here.

I was the first one at the UPS center when an older Asian gentleman in shockingly short, tight brown shorts came to assist me. He asked for my driver's license and chortled when he saw the picture. I was slightly offended, since I think I'm one of the few people who actually has a good ID photo. "High school?" he asked. "Oh, yeah." I replied. I realized that the reason he was laughing was that I was 15 when that picture was taken. I remember that day because I had just come from basketball practice, so my face was kind of red and shiny. But I was just so excited to be getting my license that the grin on my face was undeniable. I thought I hadn't changed much since then (besides putting on more than a couple pounds.) But what the UPS guy saw in front of him was a young, professional woman in a trench coat, not a fresh-faced, smiling teenager. (Though I only looked fresh-faced. I was pretty angsty and more stressed out at 15 than I've ever been since.) He saw someone who was impatiently tapping her pointy-heeled foot, slightly irritated at the inconvenience of being there, and anxious about getting across town to the office during rush hour traffic. Someone who, that very morning, had suddenly worried for the first time about getting crow's feet. He gave me my package (tee hee), and sent me on my way.

My present!

When I opened the package, I discovered it was a book called "My Listography." As you may have noticed I LOVE lists, and here was an entire book dedicated to listing my favorite foods, songs, vacations, people, etc. It was obviously meant for much younger list-enthusiasts, with suggestions like "Outlaw homework" "Banish brussel sprouts" "Make curfew 4AM." But this gift meant a lot to me, especially at this point in my life when I'm grasping at any reminder of childhood (I just added Season One of the Rugrats to my Netflix queue). So I'm excited to fill out the book and I might include some of the lists on Sporadic Sporkitudes if I'm feeling saucy. So thank you Jessica, the sender of the mystery Amazon package! I apologize for whining and making you feel guilty for just trying to do something nice for my birthday.

Also, I think I deserve high fives all around for making it from South Central to Downtown and all the way to Westwood before 8:30 in the morning on a Tuesday.

Why UPS is dumb: a Rant

Don't bother reading this, expecting some cute, carefully packaged anecdote, list, or review. I just need to complain and get it off my chest before I head off to work all toxified and irritated. It's already going to be a hell of a day (deadlines, what what). So it's my birthday tomorrow, yay me, and someone was kind enough to send me a package from Amazon. Or maybe I was sleep-online shopping and ordered something for myself and don't remember. In any case, I came home yesterday to find a UPS notice that they had tried to deliver it yesterday, but I wasn't home. I wasn't home because I have a job (temporary though it may be). Many people do, though not as much as need them these days. The point is, how am I supposed to be home at 10:30am on a Thursday to accept a package?

In normal neighborhoods where people have porches or at least doorsteps that aren't located 2 feet from a ghetto sidewalk where passersby can and probably will steal a scrumptious looking box from someone else's stoop, UPS will just leave the package and go on their merry way. (In those short brown shorts, I always envision them delivering things mid-musical number). But not in my 'hood. At first I wasn't bothered, since they always try 3 times before returning to sender. And I would definitely be home on Saturday to sign for it. But on the notice it said that they only deliver Monday through Friday. What crap is that? Are they more lazy than the US postal service who works six days a week, rain or shine (bullshit holidays like Columbus Day not included)?

So the solution to my dilemma is that I arranged for them to hold the package (tee hee) at the local UPS center. Unfortunately the closest one to my residence is Downtown. I HATE Downtown. With its nonstop horrible traffic, confusing one-way streets, scary homeless people, expensive lack of parking, it's just the worst. The center closes at 7pm too, which means I have to get from Westwood, where I work, all the way Downtown when I don't get off until 5:30. If you're not familiar with the area, that's a long-ass way WITHOUT Friday night rush hour traffic downtown. I don't even know if it's possible. And there will probably be a line of other people with day jobs who want to pick things up before the weekend, because the brilliant UPS center isn't open on Saturdays!!! What the hell, man??!?!?!?!

So to recap, on my birthday eve, which happens to fall on one of the few insane work days of the Market, I have to drive clear across down, in traffic, with a very small window of opportunity to pick up the package that I didn't know was coming so I couldn't arrange to have my landlady sign for it instead. Then I get to come home and change for Karaoke night at Gabe's, with my a cappella ladies. Actually, that will be kickass. I've never done real karaoke. Once when I was about 17, a few of my choir geek friends and I stood in the doorway of the bar area at Denny's at like 4AM and dorkily harmonized to "I Will Survive." (We were underaged, so we couldn't actually go in the bar). So that will be sweet. But if you know me, you know what a big deal it is to drag my ass out at night, and to do anything that isn't strictly necessary for survival. And I've already gone out several times (for me) this week.

ARGGHHH!!!! Maybe I'll just wait until next week and pick up my package (tee hee) when I'm not stressed about Karaoke. Though I won't get it in time for my birthday, sad. I do however have a large box to open from my parents that actually asked what to do about the delivery-non-grata in my area. They sent it to my office, instead. And I can't WAIT to open it, because I think I know what it is, and it will be the greatest. present. EVER!!!

I don't want to sound ungrateful to whomever sent me the Amazon package (tee hee). Especially if it was myself. Thank you soooo much for being considerate enough to give me a birthday present. Especially since I am the world's worst gift giver. If I buy a present at all, I'm cheap, it's not a good choice because I can never think of anything good. I'm just whining because that's how I'm wired.

Stay tuned for tomorrow's report on my first real Karaoke night!!!